music for the broken-hearted and the lonely

I've been listening to Powfu's music almost daily for a year now. It started off as a joke because of 'Death Bed' that was trending on Tik Tok, but when I went to check out his other music, I just kind of got hooked. The lofi beats, his rapping, his lyrics all meld together so well. The songs are perfect for when I'm on the train doing nothing staring into space, or when I'm walking alone window shopping. 

His lyrics seem to revolve around high school, being a loner and a loser, and unrequited love. Which I guess is somehow relatable for me. It did bring back memories about having crushes, and being unable to confess those feelings. But there's something so romantic about the sad lyrics, and paired with the catchiness of the beat, I find myself putting his songs on repeat. 

His songs have been giving me inspirations for some short stories too, so maybe I'll get to that one of these days. Meanwhile, if any of you are reading this, then maybe join me and wallow in these sad feelings as we rap (in complete failure) to Powfu.

Current songs from Powfu I'm jamming to:

Douchebag

a classmate from a different world

long fights, short tempers

blue waves

good for nothing

breakfast with the moon

The Death of Photography

About half a year ago, I remember having this conversation with my friend Natalia (who also does both psychology and photography), about how the photography hype has been dying down. Most of the photographers I met during insta-meets in Singapore have stopped shooting, in fact some feel like they've quit altogether. At first, I thought I was the only person who felt that way when my Instagram feed got more and more sparse. I was only seeing daily posts from a few friends. Then Yihong told me that he shared the same view, that most photographers he knew had already put down the camera. 

This topic naturally came up because she too had noticed that there were a lot of photographers that she'd met in Singapore who stopped posting. It wasn't just Singapore that was facing this sudden decline in hype, it was all over the world. 

To be honest, we both felt that it's a good thing. With the photography hype that boomed in 2014, a lot of photography trends started popping up too. While some helped to shape our creativity, these trends served as a mould that caged most of the photographers who jumped on the bandwagon. 

From the Brandon Woelfel fairy lights trend, to the typical architecture shots, and then the f/1.8 portraits where background or concepts did not matter. Not forgetting the lace cloths, laundromats, minimalism, the leaf covering the face, the arcade, the reflection, the prism, the bathtub, the diner, the rooftops, and more fairy lights. And when these people wanted to "get out of their comfort zone", they would thrift a cheap film camera and take some shitty street shots, and claimed it to be street photography. They really did Henri-Cartier Bresson dirty. 

It came to a point where everything seemed to be exhausted, every photo that you saw was one of the above. There was no longer any creativity in modern day photography. When asked for a concept, photographers threw out an option from above and expected it to be called a concept. There was no mood, no story behind the photographs. That said, a single reference photo cannot be considered a concept too, just wanted to put it out there. 

Don't get me wrong, when I was starting out, I did my fair share of these. But I realised that this was not the photography I wanted to pursue, I wanted photographs that would make people feel something, that would tell a story. Probably because of the photojournalist in me. 

But after all these trends were used, everyone got bored and sick of seeing them. Even the photographers themselves. None of these photographers tried to improve their craft, or hone their creativity. They only saw what was on Instagram, and limited their visions to just that. Even when the world had so much more to offer, from Henri-Cartier Bresson (the Grandfather of street photography) to the different magazines (e.g. Kinfolk), to Hamada Hideaki, to Nguan (Singapore's best street photographer). 

But I don't blame them. They were only using photography to try and chase fame (and for some, girls). Seriously, the amount of photographers that tried to touch their models under the premise of a shoot was so damn high. But that's another topic for another day. When no new trends could be found, and when they got sick of their own work because they were just shooting the same thing over and over and pasting the same edits on every photo, they finally quit. 

The ones who truly enjoyed photography, sought inspirations from outside of Instagram. Some searched for Japanese photographers who had developed the "everyday life" style. Some followed the Koreans who made boudoir their own. There were those who did concepts one could never have imagined before. 

So me and Natalia had this discussion, that the sudden death in the photography scene was for the better. Without the trends that plagued the photography scene, photographers could challenge themselves and come up with original concepts and we could hear the stories about how these concepts were birthed. 

Another reason, was that all these "fake" photographers, for the sake of exposure, would do free shoots for companies, or events that were not supposed to be free. This made it hard for the actual photographers who were making a living out of this. Nat has a ton of stories for this where she educates "influencers" who think they should have free shoots. But with all the fakes gone, companies have no choice but to pay the photographers for their shoots. 

In fact, I've benefited from it as well. Thanks to my friend Rachel, two paid jobs came my way. And thanks to Rouying, a musician also approached me to help him take photos for his Spotify and whatnot. All of which, can be viewed on my Instagram. 

Side note, but Nat is also the one who made me realise how much I was worth as a photographer. She's the reason why I was confident enough to charge a high rate. To quote her, "if you want me, pay me". If they approach you, it means they value your work, so don't be afraid to give them a high rate. Of course, Michelle has often told me that if somebody asks to work with me, then it means they like my style, but I never equated that with paid jobs. When money is involved, it gets a bit pressurising because I may do a bad job and my reputation may go down. But Nat made me realise that it was all the same, and that I was good enough to be paid the rate I choose to offer. 

So yes, the photography scene has died down by a lot in Singapore. So much so, that the number of friends that I know that are still shooting constantly can be counted with two hands. But it's not a bad thing, because now, more than ever, we can see original works. More inspiring photographs. 

On that note, let me give you a few photographers (who are also my friends) that are worth following. Just click the names to bring yourself to their Instagrams:

@natalianaa 
First on the list is of course, Natalia. She's taught me so much over the course of the two years plus that I've known her. She's the photographer I would definitely want for my wedding, without a doubt. She does an amazing job with boudoir, so if you're in Melbourne and want to try boudoir, she's your go to photographer. 

@jst.elvin
Next up is Elvin. He's the guy that makes Singapore look nothing like Singapore. The j in jst stands for Japanese, because he really makes Singapore look like Japan. His edits have improved so much since I first met him, and it's insane. 

@chenhan_photography
Chenhan is like a teacher to me when it comes to photography. He taught me how to find the best angles for models, and even gave some technical tips when it comes to achieving film-like looks. He's really the guy that has mastered film-edits, you won't be able to differentiate what is digital and what is film on his feed. 

@dillon_photogs
Dillon's a real bro in the industry. He does really unconventional editorial photos, whether it's the props he use, or the posing. I really love his Lepak series, which you can see on his Instagram, because it really captures the Singapore lepak spirit. He even adds his own words to the photos, making them look like they're actual magazines when they're not.  

ghosts of a love

"ghosts of a love" is a bunch of poems I had to write in the span of two weeks for my creative writing module. It is the result of me tapping into the feelings of my first heartbreak, and incorporating all that I've learned from class and additional readings. The numbers you see are dates, and it's formatted in a way such that it is a diary of a person moving on from a heartbreak. Before anybody asks, I'll just answer this first, I've long moved on, and I'm in a better place, a happier place now. 

//

ghosts of a love

dustyrobe

fluorescent — 010717 

When a minute feels like a day, 

your words seem to slow down time

I play a supercut in my head, 

of how I should’ve noticed the signs

I still remember how we’d buy groceries, 

in the midst of giggles and sweet words

The way you always danced for me, 

I loved you every single day for two years

Now we stare at the food that’s gone cold, 

like the love we had that was once hot

I’m sitting here thinking if I should go, 

but my words are all caught up in a knot

It’s about time I start letting go of the little things,

before they become what they call hard feelings

//

t-shirt — 270717

I find myself kneeling 

in front of my drawer

some mornings, 

your mustard yellow t-shirt 

clenched in my hands.

It still smells like lavender,

your favourite smelling flower. 

There are nights where I find the courage to walk up to the chute, 

but not before I’m overwhelmed.

With the thought 

of not having a tangible memory 

of you. 

//

photographs — 140518

Photographs, like memories, 

are meant to be erased. 

To be forgotten. 

I don’t believe in photographs 

turning a fleeting moment into forever. 

We snap away at these moments, 

falsely believing that we are 

encasing them to last a lifetime. 

In reality, all that we have done is to 

make these memories tangible. 

It is much easier to forget them this way. 

I think this is why we burn photographs 

after a bad breakup. 

It is a symbolic act. 

We believe we are moving on 

when we burn these photographs. 

Photography is the act of erasing memories, not creating.

//

hungover — 090718

When dawn breaks, the rooster screams.

Like a spear aimed for my ears, 

it shatters my dreams. 

I wake in sweat, 

my stomach queasy. 

My head nailed to the bed, 

the spirals of the nail resonating. 

There is a ripple in my heart. 

I miss you. 

Slowly, it becomes a wave. 

Abruptly, the sea roars. 

I drown in the whirlpool of thoughts, 

and my room spins. 

There is a shriek, 

this time it serves to remind me of 

reality.

//

4 a.m. — 220918

The stillness of the trees, 

of a night that only knows peace.

The moon rests on its bed 

that is so black, the stars look dead.

The serenity begs only for honesty,

it is too quiet for the echos of hypocrisy.

4 a.m. is the hour of honest feelings,

I loved you, and I’m finally healing.

//

moving on — 050419

Your words, they carry so much weight, my heart, it quivers 

All the twists, and all the turns, like a snake, it poisons my mind 

The webs you’ve spun, they made me waiver

Layers upon layers, your lies, my lies, they intertwined

A glass of gin, a cup of monkeys, then a shot of baileys

There’s something long forgotten, I must remember

A little spark ignites, the webs are burning

Tears are shed, dawn breaks, capillaries severed

When the eyes have dried up, and the heart empty, 

the mind is clear, the memories no longer tinted

The threads are undone, the birds are chirping

I take in a deep breath, I pause for a minute

Like a prey that was released from the spider,

I am free to soar, and I’ve never been happier 

Sad Love Story

I’m trapped in this sad love story

A movie that ended with an abrupt ending

One that started out sweet

But finished with a bitter plot twist

Every scene is still fresh in my head

I remember holding hands on our first date

Do you remember our first big fight?

Or the time we spent our first night?

But you were never a fan of happy endings

Maybe that’s why we ended in tragedy

Because you felt that I didn’t know what sadness was

So you decided to teach me as a good cause

I was nothing special before all of this

Now I’m romanticising sadness of all things

Thanks to all the scars you gave me

I ended up loving heartbreaks and tragedy

But all stories have to come to an end

Like you, I’m curious how this one ends

You kicked off the gears into motion

But it’s up to me to decide the direction

Would I choose a happy ending

Or proceed on with tragedy?

Of Valentine's and Bad Memories

14th February 2014: I asked and you said okay, the day we started dating
14th February 2016: I figured something was wrong
14th May 2016:         Before I knew it, you were gone

I don't particularly like Valentine's anymore. Or the 14th of every month. Every 14th is a reminder of what was, what could have been. A reminder of you. Valentine's is drawing near once again, and my heart still aches, it still cries. Every year, it brings forth a flood of memories, both good and bad, and with it, the pangs of pain.

They tell me that this torture is caused by no one but myself. That if I move on, it will all be fine. But how do I tell them... that I have no control over this pain? I tried to forget it all, I tried to bury it all. It didn't work. It never does. I end up feeling it all at once instead. The pain never lessens with each year, and it probably would never lessen.

They say that one day I will meet someone who will change things for me. That there is someone out there who will help me move on from this pain. That someone would help me believe in love again. And... I really wish to believe in that. 

But until then, I guess I don't particularly like Valentine's. 

The Saving Grace of Instagram

Photography is truly a magical medium, when paired with Instagram. A decade ago, none of us would have imagined that we would be meeting random strangers from the internet to take photos together / of them. While many may focus on the negative aspects of social media, such as how it has led to addiction. Some argue that we have lost the ability to interact with others due to the rise of social media usage. It might hold some truth, but it has also created a new form of interaction. 

Through Instagram, photography hobbyists such as myself have a platform where we are able to find like-minded individuals. Whereas, it was a lot harder before, who would have known where to find other photography hobbyists apart from camera shops? It has also become a lot easier for us to look for models to shoot with when we wish to do portraits. We are no longer limited to just using our friends. With a simple message, we can connect with strangers whom we find are apt for our styles of photography, or have the vibe we are looking for.

//

Personally, when I started out, I had a wish of making more friends through this platform, just as many others before me had. Growing up, I was a really introverted kid. As a result, I didn't manage to make many friends. It was a regret for me, and I envied others who had made many friends. The realisation that I wouldn't have much opportunities in life to make more friends came after I graduated from poly.

But over the past two years, I stepped out of my comfort zone time and again. I attended insta-meets, and met a number of like-minded individuals. It was truly liberating to be shooting with other people. Photography didn't feel as alone anymore. I wanted to do portraits, but I wasn't brave enough to meet strangers one to one, so I put that on hold. But in the past few months, I decided to take that one big leap forward. I started asking models for shoots. Of course, it was a struggle at first, being the introvert I am. But slowly, one after another, I built up my confidence to shoot and direct. In the course of shooting, I made many friends along the way. 

Twelve year old me would never believe that I'm meeting strangers from the internet to take their photos. He would never believe that I'd made friends with these strangers. And to me, that is the saving grace of Instagram. That is the beauty of it.

Amidst all the negativity surrounding social media, it's a tiny light that shows that when used right, it can be positively life changing. Just like how it has changed my life, it has changed the lives of many others like myself.

From strangers to friends.

From models and photographers to friends.

From fellow photographers to friends.

There is no need for me to name all of you, but all of you know who you are. 

a much needed update in life (again)

Hey, it's your friendly writer, Sean a.k.a dustyrobe again. Here to just put down a lot of the reflections that I've been doing over the past weeks. Some of it would feel familiar, for I have posted them on my Instagram stories. Let's get this rolling shall we?

As some of you who have been reading my blog might know, I recently broke up. I didn't really touch on it much in my previous blog post, so only a few friends know the full details. I'm not really here to talk about it either, it's more of what I've learnt. Society has in a way made it seem like being single is a relatively bad thing. That you have to be in a relationship to be considered successful in life. But what society doesn't tell you is how liberating it is to finally be single again after being in a relationship. What society doesn't tell you is that dating is not all sunshine and rainbows, it comes with a whole lot of problems and stresses that you will never be prepared for. From trust issues, to the arguments, to the dramas. It can get so suffocating, to the point where you feel like you just can't seem to do anything. And when you finally end it, your eyes are opened. How it has been so toxic, how your partner might have been emotionally abusing you, how you can finally breathe, how you can let yourself heal, and love yourself. 

And that's what people don't tell you. They just tell you how nice it is to be in a relationship, to be loved by someone else. I'm here to tell you otherwise. I don't deny that being in a relationship can feel amazing, provided you are dating the right person. But, being single has it's perks too. That feeling when you are free to talk to anyone, or hang out with whoever you wish to, with no one stopping you or trying to start an argument with you for that. How peaceful your life can be when there are no constant arguments, and dramas. Or the fact that your life can be so stress free when you do not have to report to your partner about your whereabouts 24/7. Society is so quick to downplay all of these. You might tell me that all of these come with being in a relationship, but let me tell you honey, it shouldn't have to. If you're in a proper relationship, where both of you trust each other, there shouldn't be a need for all these. You'd only inform them things out of respect, and not be demanded to tell them every tiny detail. There's a difference. 

We just think about how nice it is to be in a relationship, how we crave to be loved, that we forget the importance of loving ourselves. There are a lot of things in life that we overlook just because of this wish to be in a relationship. Enjoying a simple dinner with your family, or even a reunion dinner with the extended family. Laughing over the dumbest things with your friends, doing retarded things with your best friends. Pursuing what it is you enjoy, with no one to hold you back. Or you know, even just being yourself without being told to change. Don't forsake all of these just because you wish to be in a relationship. If there is one thing I've learnt, there is no rush in this. Appreciate what you have going in life, and wait for the right person. Sure, it does get lonely. We want someone to come home to, to give us a hug or a kiss. Someone to cuddle with through the night. But don't let your physical needs get you into unnecessary trouble. Don't let it stop you from healing yourself, or from indulging in self love. 

Well, moving on. 

Now, this one is more for myself. But let's get this one started. 

If you've known me from 2014 to 2016, you might have known that the me then was pretty concerning. It was a me that had no sense of self, if you might. Back then, my relationship was pretty much my everything. I made my girlfriend then my only priority. There was no number two, not even myself. So I guess you can sort of imagined how it was when the relationship ended, I was left there stranded, with an unimaginably huge void to fill. How do I even fill a void that big? I didn't even know where to start, but I had to start somewhere. And so, began my journey to find myself. Following the advice from my best friend, Randell (given to me at a McDonald's in Clementi), I started off with my hobby, which was photography. Back then I was only ever interested in taking photos, and not so much of writing. I started to take more photos, I took part in instameets, and I delved into portraiture like I always wanted to. But that wasn't enough to make up my sense of self obviously, my hobby was just a small part of me. If you've been following this blog, you'd have noticed the massive amounts of reflections I do. It's these reflections that have helped me figure who I truly am. I will spare you the details. 

So let's fast forward to 2018 where I can finally say I've found my identity. Apart from my hobbies (photography and writing), apart from knowing my likes and dislikes, I've accepted my depression, my trauma, and my anxiety attacks as part of me. Now you might be thinking, who actually accepts those as part of their sense of self? I do, because some of these might never leave me, and accepting that is the first step in finding myself. I've accepted my various personalities, every last one of them. How I am with my family, how introverted I can be in new environments, how crazy I can be with my close friends, how different I am throughout different groups of friends, and of course how I am when I'm alone. Each and every personality is a part of me, and I will not deny any of them. 

Even things like my bad puns, my quirks, the way I laugh, my inability to stop myself from dancing whenever really good music comes on, and many more little things make up who I am as a person. My beliefs, my morals (or lack thereof), and my values. They contribute to this sense of self, and how I act as a person, how I act as me. 

Lastly, but also most importantly, it's my name. The name that my parents gifted me with. Truthfully, for the longest time, I wanted a different name. I wanted something that sounded cooler, and 'Dusty' was really a name I came to like being called. I would put that as my name in my bios, when I ordered drinks from Starbucks, and whatnot. But, I'm Sean. And after 22 years, I've come to be proud of this name my parents gave me. I really am. (Oh, let me sidetrack a bit because I have a little something to share that is related to this. If you remember, I posted a summarised version of this on my story a while back. And Jodie, being the gem she is, decided to carve a stamp / chop with my name on it. She explained that it was because of my story that she decided on using my name. I swear to god, I almost cried when I heard it that night. And I'll admit, my heart skipped a beat.)

So yes, I spent close to two years just to study myself, to learn about myself, as if I just met me. And after two years, I can finally say that I've found myself, my sense of self, my identity. This is me. No more masks, no more pretence. Just me being 100% real and raw.

Cheers,

Sean

The Craving

I find myself asking myself this question a lot. For whom do I shoot for? The answer is pretty pathetic, for I shoot for my Instagram feed. Sure, tons of people are shooting for their Instagram. But take Instagram out of the equation and what am I shooting for? There is a void that must be filled, but there is nothing to fill it.

As do most humans these days, I crave for recognition as well. Instagram is one of the simplest ways to satisfy that cravings. It's a sickening revelation, really. But this is how low we've dropped as humans. Let's just move on with life as we acknowledge that. As a result of me chasing that little recognition Instagram has to offer, it has caused me quite the big headache. In fact, it's impaired my life. When you're constantly thinking about what to post, what hashtags to use, what timing to post, and all that, you know you've went ahead and dived into the rabbit hole. I'm not a planner like Shirley is, y'know. She plans nine posts in one go to have it look good. I just post one at a time, keeping it messy. Even that in itself gives me a headache. 

In order to keep that "engagement" going, I make it a point to post everyday. I was I'm Kuala Lumpur recently with some friends, and I found myself posting a photo while we were out doing stuffs. Like really? I had to question myself, what even was I doing? The whole point of the trip was to enjoy myself and let loose, not worry about which photos to post everyday. 

This chase of course led to an addiction to the app. How I constantly open the app every few minutes, or when I have nothing better to do. I open it so many times a day, that it was eating up so much of my data. Especially after I post a photo. I'll open twice as often to check the amount of "likes" I'm getting. In fact, I'm always so close to bursting my data every month because of this damn app. It never used to be like this. I started to wonder, whatever happened to the times when I used less than a GB of data every month.

And then there's Insta Stories. At first, it was just a story every now and then. Now, I find myself storying this and that. It's as serious an addiction as my postings. One friend pointed out to me how much I storied. And just today, I stopped myself from storying as I was telling Shirley a story idea.

I digress. No not really. They are all sub-points of a main point. What's the main point? That Instagram is slowly poisoning my life. I'm not even indulging in my old hobbies like I used to. What happened to reading? To watching dramas? To playing games? Now I'm just stuck on my phone opening and reopening Instagram like some idiot.

And that has got to come to a stop. It's time for me to stop being a slut for recognition, to stop being a slave to this app. It was painful, but I deleted the app (AGAIN). I have no idea how many times I've deleted and re-installed the app, but bear with me. I can barely bear with myself either. The last time I deleted, I wanted to shoot based on inspirations from outside. But I was still trying to shoot for my feed. So this time, what if I didn't want to shoot for my feed. What would I be shooting for? There won't be a place for me to show my photos, and if that's the case, what's the point of my photos? I've asked myself that a lot as I was scrolling through my phone gallery, looking at my KL photos. 

My life crumbled. And that's how the story ends. No not really. But I haven't had it figured out. If not for Instagram, then what purpose do my photos serve? For memories, for keepsake? If that's the case, I can jolly well delete all my portrait shoots. They do not fulfil that. For my portfolio? Perhaps.

I actually envy how most of the Instagrammers out there can just keep shooting, keep creating, without ever actually questioning themselves, the way I do. Is it my psychology background that causes me to do this? Because it's made me so used to questioning things that I've started to question myself so often? I truly have no idea. And I think that's how I've lived my life anyway. Not knowing is sometimes better than knowing.

Now that I've deleted the app, what am I gonna do? I ordered a few Kinfolks, so I guess it's time to do some reading. I'm currently reading "To all the boys I've loved before" and I love it. It's been a really long time since I read a storybook, so it feels refreshing. My 3DS is probably waiting for me to pick it up and play, so I might get to it. Currently watching a Korean drama "Wok of Love" as well, since it's been a year that I've found a drama I like.

Would I be shooting? Yes most definitely. I have to shoot to find my answers. That has always been the case for me. Would I shoot for memories, or for my portfolio? Maybe both, maybe neither. Maybe without Instagram, there is no point in me shooting anymore. We never know now, would we? I do know I won't be contacting any models to shoot. Truth be told, I don't even know what to shoot. I've shot portraits for so long that I don't really know how to shoot other genres. Maybe chase some sunsets haha. It's been a while since I've done that. Well, whatever. 

Would I re-install Instagram? I feel like it's gonna be a yes eventually. But I wanna try and see how long I can stay off the platform. It won't be forever, for I've made many friends on the platform. 

So till next time,

Cheers

What you need

There are just days when you don't feel like getting up. When your body weighs too much. When you're feeling under the weather. And as much as responsibility compels you to get back on your feet and to drag yourself to work, you just can't. You don't even have to check your temperature to know that you're sick. Your entire body is telling you so. It's not what you want, but what you need. It's a sign that our bodies have worked for too hard, and that it is time for a break. 

So go ahead, laze in that bed for a couple more hours to replenish your rest. Stay at home and do nothing but watch your favourite tv shows. Eat a little healthier, and drink lots of water. Most importantly, do not think about work or anything that will stress you out. 

///

My second time getting food poisoning in such a short period of time sigh. First time being end of May. And it's one of the worst feelings ever. It's a lot worse this time, because I actually had a fever and I puked real bad. Lost all appetite and was so weak I could barely stand for more than five minutes. I'm not even exaggerating. The doctor was so shocked when he saw me for the consultation because my face was as pale as a sheet. I'm glad I'm feeling better, but I really gotta be more careful when it comes to food from now on. 

To Feel a Little Magic

Have you ever had that feeling where you listened to music and that piece of music just somehow magically transported you elsewhere? From the streets of New York to the mountains of New Zealand. Maybe you've never been to these places before, but the songs just brings you there. And you're able to imagine it vividly for some reason.

I get that kind of feelings whenever I'm listening to American Authors. There's just something about their songs that brings me around America. I'm not even kidding. Since the first time I've heard their music, it never fails to bring me on an imaginary road trip. It's the kind of music that makes me feel alive. And I think that that's pretty beautiful. 

It's one of the reasons why I keep going back to their songs. To feel a little magic, a little life. 

Wrapping up 2017

Long overdue but, it's time for a yearly write up or something like that. I wrote one for 2016 so I thought I'd write one again for 2017. 

2017 has been special, and it's been really kind to me. Honestly didn't expect it but thank you Life for being so kind. I've probably already said it before in other posts so I'll sum it up. I went for my first ever instameet last year around April / May (thank you Randell for giving me that courage and support by going with me) and from there it's been a life changing past few months. I've met so many people through Instagram and I am grateful for that.

Really thankful that I got to meet Ivan who's now my shifu (master) for photography, because he has taught me so much and given me so much opportunities. Because of that, I've had the chance to find my own path in photography and refine my style. Something I've never been able to do before. Trust me when I say that it's hard for an introvert like myself to direct models, but I slowly gained the confidence to do it after shooting with Ivan so often. 

I've had the opportunities to work with a lot of amazing people this year as well, and I couldn't be more thankful for that. 

- Rachel [@rachlsq]
- Amber [@spiked_rosesx]
- Azek [@its.azek]
- Amanda [@adblehs]
- Xue Ning [@tainted_smiles_]
- Shirley [@iamshirleyho]
- My sis [@crystaaaaly]
- Desmondo [@desmondoteo]
- Terence [@n8tewind]
- Kai Long [@tangkailong]
- Dominic [@dominicpoh]
- Jordan [@jordanchabonkia]
- Yi Hong [@h0keypokey]
- and last but not least, my fav muse Randell [@zeroforfun]

Each and everyone of you has had an impact on my photography in one way or another and y'all have helped me to improve so much. Thank you for putting up with my slow and awkward directing, and sometimes very weird posing. Especially Randell, I've made you done so much weird stuffs in the name of art and more will come. 

I actually can't believe I worked with so many people from September till now, considering the fact that I was away for November and half of my December. 

I'm sorry this came so late. I originally wrote it in the middle of December, but the past one month has been insane. Insane in a good way though. But I'll leave that for another post. 

He

He never felt like the main character in his own story, just a side who was never the center in anything. He thought just maybe, things would change when she entered his life. But ideals and reality often never collide. She became the main character in his story, his life, his very all. It wasn’t a bad thing, he’d tell himself. At least now he had a reason to live for. His life came crashing down when she left, “now who’s gonna fill that gap?” But what he didn’t expect, was that he finally became his own main character because of that. He ended up filling his own gap. Even if it’s a main character of a sad love story. But the story doesn’t end there because he started loving himself. He found his own reasons to live, his dreams, and a life he can call his own. 

///

Just something very casual I wrote in 10 minutes

When We Were Twelve

Gone were the days of our simple lives. Where there was nothing to worry about, apart from our teachers confiscating our trading card games. Exam stress? We were carefree nonetheless. Now all we do is worry and stress, it’s like we can never rest. We ran while chasing each other in our little game of tag, oh those were such joys. We’re all chasing girls now, but where’s the fun in that. No more and ice and water, we replaced that with cold wars. We’re no longer running in the rain, only away from our responsibilities. Maybe the ones that made it complicated were ourselves. Maybe simple wasn't what we wanted anymore, but do you think we could go back to how it was when we were twelve. I buy the cards we played, I download the games we played back then. But nothing feels the same. The joy is never what it was, too much has changed. No, we've changed. 

//

Just something short I wrote after listening to "Us Against the World" by Epik High.

A Dream That's A Little Far

For the longest time, I have been fascinated by cinematography. It could be in the form of films, music videos, or even photographs. The aesthetics in it is just simply beautiful. And when used in photos, it just tells so much more story than a normal photo. As such, it has in one way or another shaped the way I take my photos. The music that I listen to have inevitably played a part in influencing my artistry as well. 

There was a funfair at Tampines so I took the chance to try shooting there at late afternoon / early evening. I didn’t think that they would only open at 6pm but that worked to our advantage as it was empty. My original plan was to get the crowd at the back but having nobody around gave a sadder, lonelier vibe so we worked with that instead. Randell has been working with me for so long that we can communicate without words, plus the fact that we’re best friends, he’s able to give me the mood I want pretty effortlessly too.

But of course, I’ve been out of it for about a month because I was overseas, so it took me a while to get used to shooting again. Thankfully he trusted me enough to let me make him do all sorts of weird poses. 

The results? A lot better than I thought. The last shoot I had before I left the country was also with Randell, and even then I was trying to achieve some form of cinematic look but never really did. So I was amazed at myself when I could envision more cinematic images in my head. Perhaps it was the location that inspired me or the place itself was already cinematic to begin with.

Looking at the photos, I realised that more than ever, they are open for interpretation. I tend to include some form of humour in my works with Randell, but not everybody catches that humour flying past. So I’ll have to work on that in future.

Just like music, I believe that photos should make a person feel something. While there is nothing wrong with catchy pop music, a poetic piece that gets you thinking about the lyrics that makes you feel a tinge of pain in your heart is always a lot better in my opinion. The same goes for photos. I used to think that bokeh is everything, and neglected everything. Took a lot of thinking, feedback from my teacher (Ivan), and a change of lens to start including more background, more context in my photos. While I still think bokeh looks aesthetically pleasing, having a photo that makes my viewers feel something satisfies me more. Even better if they think up a whole background story for them. That’s what I dream of achieving. Maybe it’s a dream that’s a little far but I’m gonna try and get there. 

"Am I hiding well enough?"

The light was too good to let up

Mum always says don't slouch so shh don't tell her about this

Hey look, it's Shirley! 

The happy girl and her horsey

Discover As You Walk

It is said that traveling changes a person's perspectives. To be able to see new cities, new culture, and new people. While there is nothing bad about being in our home country (trust me, I'm an advocate of the everyday mundane), visiting somewhere new opens our eyes to so much more. After a good travel, you start to view your own country in a different light. You start to notice things you never did before. What once seemed ugly / boring to you before may now look beautiful. You appreciate the little things you took for granted before you flew. 

It provides a new source of inspiration for whatever that you do. Because you experience things that you never would have, it gives you fresh ideas. A night sky filled with thousands of stars that can only be found in the countryside, away from light pollution or a sunset lighting up mountains that you will never see in cities. We are often inspired by the things around us, by our experiences. Thus limiting our inspirations to that small circle. Traveling helps to change things by giving us entirely new environments and experiences to inspire us. 

But of course, it's not always necessary to book a flight to some other country just to travel. It could just be visiting somewhere you've never been to before in your own country. It can still have the same impact on you. You will still discover new things as you walk. 

A Bad Day

Everyone has had at least one bad day in their lives. The kind of bad day where nothing seems to go right for that entire day. You oversleep, spill your coffee, trip over nothing, and take all the wrong roads. It's the kind of day that throws your mood into the deepest pits of shit. We feel like the world is against us for that twenty-four hours, and we just get angry at everyone and everything. There's really nothing we can do about it, because whatever we try to do just makes things worse. The only viable thing to do though, is to take a good sleep. That's what we really need on days like these. A sleep to calm ourselves down and to reset everything.

Why Do You Do What You Do?

"Why do you shoot?"

I used to have an answer for this question, but not anymore. I've been trying to find my answer each time I pick up my camera, but to no avail. How is it possible that I'm shooting without a reason, you might ask. Perhaps unconsciously I already have an answer, it's just that it hasn't surfaced to my consciousness. I try to convince myself that I shoot simply because I enjoy it, but I'm no three year old, there's no way I'm convincing myself with such a lousy reason. I could list a bunch of possible reasons, and they might or might not be the answers I'm searching for. 

Until I find my answer, I will continue to pick up my camera and shoot. But once I find my answer, will I then stop shooting? I certainly hope not. 

On the contrary, I have an answer for why I write. I've been writing since I was 15, when I was inspired by my then English teacher (thank you Ms Eunice Lee; if you ever read this, know that I'm forever thankful for you for making me love the language). I started with compositions, preparing for O's, when I found out that it was enjoyable to write. Then I moved on to journal articles during my poly years, never really enjoyed it much but it taught me a lot on writing objectively. Soon after, I discovered Kinfolk. It was around that time I started this blog and tried to write lifestyle related topics. If there was anything in common throughout my years of writing, it's that I always wrote to express myself. It took me five years to realise it, I write to express myself because there's no better way of expressing myself than through my love of words.

And perhaps that is my answer, perhaps I shoot as a secondary form of expressing myself. For when my words are not enough to paint the picture, my photographs will supplement. 

But what about you, why do you do what you do?