As some of you who have been reading my blog might know, I recently broke up. I didn't really touch on it much in my previous blog post, so only a few friends know the full details. I'm not really here to talk about it either, it's more of what I've learnt. Society has in a way made it seem like being single is a relatively bad thing. That you have to be in a relationship to be considered successful in life. But what society doesn't tell you is how liberating it is to finally be single again after being in a relationship. What society doesn't tell you is that dating is not all sunshine and rainbows, it comes with a whole lot of problems and stresses that you will never be prepared for. From trust issues, to the arguments, to the dramas. It can get so suffocating, to the point where you feel like you just can't seem to do anything. And when you finally end it, your eyes are opened. How it has been so toxic, how your partner might have been emotionally abusing you, how you can finally breathe, how you can let yourself heal, and love yourself.
And that's what people don't tell you. They just tell you how nice it is to be in a relationship, to be loved by someone else. I'm here to tell you otherwise. I don't deny that being in a relationship can feel amazing, provided you are dating the right person. But, being single has it's perks too. That feeling when you are free to talk to anyone, or hang out with whoever you wish to, with no one stopping you or trying to start an argument with you for that. How peaceful your life can be when there are no constant arguments, and dramas. Or the fact that your life can be so stress free when you do not have to report to your partner about your whereabouts 24/7. Society is so quick to downplay all of these. You might tell me that all of these come with being in a relationship, but let me tell you honey, it shouldn't have to. If you're in a proper relationship, where both of you trust each other, there shouldn't be a need for all these. You'd only inform them things out of respect, and not be demanded to tell them every tiny detail. There's a difference.
We just think about how nice it is to be in a relationship, how we crave to be loved, that we forget the importance of loving ourselves. There are a lot of things in life that we overlook just because of this wish to be in a relationship. Enjoying a simple dinner with your family, or even a reunion dinner with the extended family. Laughing over the dumbest things with your friends, doing retarded things with your best friends. Pursuing what it is you enjoy, with no one to hold you back. Or you know, even just being yourself without being told to change. Don't forsake all of these just because you wish to be in a relationship. If there is one thing I've learnt, there is no rush in this. Appreciate what you have going in life, and wait for the right person. Sure, it does get lonely. We want someone to come home to, to give us a hug or a kiss. Someone to cuddle with through the night. But don't let your physical needs get you into unnecessary trouble. Don't let it stop you from healing yourself, or from indulging in self love.
Well, moving on.
Now, this one is more for myself. But let's get this one started.
If you've known me from 2014 to 2016, you might have known that the me then was pretty concerning. It was a me that had no sense of self, if you might. Back then, my relationship was pretty much my everything. I made my girlfriend then my only priority. There was no number two, not even myself. So I guess you can sort of imagined how it was when the relationship ended, I was left there stranded, with an unimaginably huge void to fill. How do I even fill a void that big? I didn't even know where to start, but I had to start somewhere. And so, began my journey to find myself. Following the advice from my best friend, Randell (given to me at a McDonald's in Clementi), I started off with my hobby, which was photography. Back then I was only ever interested in taking photos, and not so much of writing. I started to take more photos, I took part in instameets, and I delved into portraiture like I always wanted to. But that wasn't enough to make up my sense of self obviously, my hobby was just a small part of me. If you've been following this blog, you'd have noticed the massive amounts of reflections I do. It's these reflections that have helped me figure who I truly am. I will spare you the details.
So let's fast forward to 2018 where I can finally say I've found my identity. Apart from my hobbies (photography and writing), apart from knowing my likes and dislikes, I've accepted my depression, my trauma, and my anxiety attacks as part of me. Now you might be thinking, who actually accepts those as part of their sense of self? I do, because some of these might never leave me, and accepting that is the first step in finding myself. I've accepted my various personalities, every last one of them. How I am with my family, how introverted I can be in new environments, how crazy I can be with my close friends, how different I am throughout different groups of friends, and of course how I am when I'm alone. Each and every personality is a part of me, and I will not deny any of them.
Even things like my bad puns, my quirks, the way I laugh, my inability to stop myself from dancing whenever really good music comes on, and many more little things make up who I am as a person. My beliefs, my morals (or lack thereof), and my values. They contribute to this sense of self, and how I act as a person, how I act as me.
Lastly, but also most importantly, it's my name. The name that my parents gifted me with. Truthfully, for the longest time, I wanted a different name. I wanted something that sounded cooler, and 'Dusty' was really a name I came to like being called. I would put that as my name in my bios, when I ordered drinks from Starbucks, and whatnot. But, I'm Sean. And after 22 years, I've come to be proud of this name my parents gave me. I really am. (Oh, let me sidetrack a bit because I have a little something to share that is related to this. If you remember, I posted a summarised version of this on my story a while back. And Jodie, being the gem she is, decided to carve a stamp / chop with my name on it. She explained that it was because of my story that she decided on using my name. I swear to god, I almost cried when I heard it that night. And I'll admit, my heart skipped a beat.)
So yes, I spent close to two years just to study myself, to learn about myself, as if I just met me. And after two years, I can finally say that I've found myself, my sense of self, my identity. This is me. No more masks, no more pretence. Just me being 100% real and raw.
Cheers,
Sean
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