I find myself asking myself this question a lot. For whom do I shoot for? The answer is pretty pathetic, for I shoot for my Instagram feed. Sure, tons of people are shooting for their Instagram. But take Instagram out of the equation and what am I shooting for? There is a void that must be filled, but there is nothing to fill it.
As do most humans these days, I crave for recognition as well. Instagram is one of the simplest ways to satisfy that cravings. It's a sickening revelation, really. But this is how low we've dropped as humans. Let's just move on with life as we acknowledge that. As a result of me chasing that little recognition Instagram has to offer, it has caused me quite the big headache. In fact, it's impaired my life. When you're constantly thinking about what to post, what hashtags to use, what timing to post, and all that, you know you've went ahead and dived into the rabbit hole. I'm not a planner like Shirley is, y'know. She plans nine posts in one go to have it look good. I just post one at a time, keeping it messy. Even that in itself gives me a headache.
In order to keep that "engagement" going, I make it a point to post everyday. I was I'm Kuala Lumpur recently with some friends, and I found myself posting a photo while we were out doing stuffs. Like really? I had to question myself, what even was I doing? The whole point of the trip was to enjoy myself and let loose, not worry about which photos to post everyday.
This chase of course led to an addiction to the app. How I constantly open the app every few minutes, or when I have nothing better to do. I open it so many times a day, that it was eating up so much of my data. Especially after I post a photo. I'll open twice as often to check the amount of "likes" I'm getting. In fact, I'm always so close to bursting my data every month because of this damn app. It never used to be like this. I started to wonder, whatever happened to the times when I used less than a GB of data every month.
And then there's Insta Stories. At first, it was just a story every now and then. Now, I find myself storying this and that. It's as serious an addiction as my postings. One friend pointed out to me how much I storied. And just today, I stopped myself from storying as I was telling Shirley a story idea.
I digress. No not really. They are all sub-points of a main point. What's the main point? That Instagram is slowly poisoning my life. I'm not even indulging in my old hobbies like I used to. What happened to reading? To watching dramas? To playing games? Now I'm just stuck on my phone opening and reopening Instagram like some idiot.
And that has got to come to a stop. It's time for me to stop being a slut for recognition, to stop being a slave to this app. It was painful, but I deleted the app (AGAIN). I have no idea how many times I've deleted and re-installed the app, but bear with me. I can barely bear with myself either. The last time I deleted, I wanted to shoot based on inspirations from outside. But I was still trying to shoot for my feed. So this time, what if I didn't want to shoot for my feed. What would I be shooting for? There won't be a place for me to show my photos, and if that's the case, what's the point of my photos? I've asked myself that a lot as I was scrolling through my phone gallery, looking at my KL photos.
My life crumbled. And that's how the story ends. No not really. But I haven't had it figured out. If not for Instagram, then what purpose do my photos serve? For memories, for keepsake? If that's the case, I can jolly well delete all my portrait shoots. They do not fulfil that. For my portfolio? Perhaps.
I actually envy how most of the Instagrammers out there can just keep shooting, keep creating, without ever actually questioning themselves, the way I do. Is it my psychology background that causes me to do this? Because it's made me so used to questioning things that I've started to question myself so often? I truly have no idea. And I think that's how I've lived my life anyway. Not knowing is sometimes better than knowing.
Now that I've deleted the app, what am I gonna do? I ordered a few Kinfolks, so I guess it's time to do some reading. I'm currently reading "To all the boys I've loved before" and I love it. It's been a really long time since I read a storybook, so it feels refreshing. My 3DS is probably waiting for me to pick it up and play, so I might get to it. Currently watching a Korean drama "Wok of Love" as well, since it's been a year that I've found a drama I like.
Would I be shooting? Yes most definitely. I have to shoot to find my answers. That has always been the case for me. Would I shoot for memories, or for my portfolio? Maybe both, maybe neither. Maybe without Instagram, there is no point in me shooting anymore. We never know now, would we? I do know I won't be contacting any models to shoot. Truth be told, I don't even know what to shoot. I've shot portraits for so long that I don't really know how to shoot other genres. Maybe chase some sunsets haha. It's been a while since I've done that. Well, whatever.
Would I re-install Instagram? I feel like it's gonna be a yes eventually. But I wanna try and see how long I can stay off the platform. It won't be forever, for I've made many friends on the platform.
So till next time,
Cheers
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