My 22nd // 3 months late

My favorite army friends (missing Jordan who was overseas)
From left to right: Dominic Cancerous Tan, Harvest Dailo, Yi Hong Gan

Alright, so I realised that I was so busy last year with shoots and work that I didn't have the time to sit down and write about how my 22nd birthday went down. I am gonna try and keep this one short.

For most people, their 21st would be the most memorable birthday. Well not for me though, my 21st was just like any other days. Honestly, my birthday feels like any other day to me. I don't really find anything special with it. Every year, I just sit down with my family to blow out a cake. I don't do parties.

But my 22nd was celebrated a little differently though. First off, I was surprised at work two days in advance by my bosses (Xinde and Brandon), and two regulars (Tabby and Xinxuan). Brandon told me that it was Xinxuan's birthday and passed me a cake and tasked me with singing the birthday song when she came back from the toilet. But the plot twist was real when they directed the birthday song at me instead. I'm not going to lie, but that I was genuinely touched and surprised. Nobody's ever given me a surprise birthday ever, so this was a first for me.

That weekend, my workplace was having a Halloween themed event as well (3 days after my birthday), but I thought why not celebrate my birthday alongside Halloween as well. Just to give my life a little change, I invited some close friends to come down and have some fun. And since they were having a dress up competition, I decided to go down as the simplest thing - Joker. My sis did my makeup. Honestly, it was zero effort put in. I merely did it because my bosses kept telling me to dress up. But because the competition was based on how loud the cheers you received were, and since I brought the largest group... I ended up winning the $150 vouchers, much to the discontent of many.

p.s. if you were wondering how I spent the $150 vouchers, I brought my family and Jodie down for a meal sometime last December. 

p.s.s. here's a side story. Randell left early and dropped me a text after saying he left a gift on the chair. He didn't specify which chair, so I assumed it was the chair at Chug Chug. I spent the next 30 minutes frantically trying to find where the gift could possibly be, where exactly did he hid it. It was only after, which he revealed that it was on the sofa in my house. Seriously though. 

Forced Yi Hong to do makeup with me

Best Friend - Randell 

My photography mentor - Ivan 

Boss Brandon

Boss Xinde

Boss Huanhui

Austin

Sorry to those I didn't take photos with, but it's okay. What matters is we had fun. 

Thank you all for an amazing 22nd. You will never see me have any other parties ever again hahaha. 

Disposable // A Carefree 39 shots

First shot in the roll - picking Jodie up from work hahahaha

As many of you might not know, I have this tendency to go wild shooting portraits for 2-3 months before burnout hits me and I suddenly have zero motivation to shoot and whatnot. But honestly, I don't know if it's truly burnout or it's because shooting portraits have started to feel more like work than for fun. The choosing of outfits, locations, and planning of themes, concepts, and mood boards have sort of killed it for me. Instead of having fun, I'm getting stressed out instead.

So for Christmas 2018, my workplace had this gift exchange called 'White Elephant'. Don't ask me why the name sounds racist, I wasn't the one who invented it alright. But basically, we just put all the presents bought on the table anonymously and go in a randomised order to pick these presents. My friend, Sean, told me to pick his. He said out of everyone, I would appreciate his present the most. And so I did. Boy, did I have no regrets. It was a Fujifilm disposable camera. 

To many, a disposable camera might not seem much. One might view it as a bad camera, since you have absolutely zero control over the settings. But I think, that's exactly what I needed. It was a gift that allowed me to finally have fun again with photography just like when I first started. There was no need to stress over settings, or stress over any concepts. It allowed me to snap whatever I wished to in the moment. Whatever I deemed beautiful or aesthetic. So I started snapping away at my friends, nothing planned. Just very spontaneous moments of "hey, can I take a photo of you real quick?" and me laughing afterwards. There is no way of checking these photos, and I think that's what makes it less stressful and more fun for me. It's a carefree 39 shots worth of snapping.

Partner in crime at Chug

Thank you for all the snacks Ewan

Guys look, it's my very hardworking boss, Xinde, packing pastas

Dude's been cooking us pastas and eggs every time I work, thanks~

Nehe posing while on the phone

Austin washing them dishes

I have no idea what we were thinking but here, have a fork

Using the disposable camera really got me thinking though, when exactly did photography stop being "fun" for me? Was it the moment I got too geeky and serious about it and bought a camera? Or was it when I started taking portraits? Because I remember how when all I had was my iPhone 5s, and I was just walking around snapping the most random of things because they simply looked aesthetic to me. I guess I still do, when I see amazing light. I just sort of take out my iPhone 7 and take a few shots. 

Photography for me was about spontaneous moments, about beautiful fleeting moments, about people that mattered to me. And I guess I forgot that as I was chasing after a more serious form of photography that wasn't "me". 

But the true "revelation" moment was probably when I was sending Jodie home the other day, and we were just standing at the corridor, admiring the view. The golden hour was cast onto these HDB buildings, and it truly was a magnificent view. I couldn't help but take out my phone to capture the view in front of me, and as I was snapping away, it made me realise the fun I was having. And it was fun I haven't had in years, to be perfectly honest. 

Sunlight was beautiful

Turning head to the side for more feels

Feels is real in this shot 

View of Braddell at the 30th floor

View of Braddell, this time with a girl in it

I had been so busy chasing after recognition, chasing after the perfect street photos, chasing after unique portraits, chasing after my own "style", that I had forgotten what it was like to simply enjoy the process of taking photos. I had forgotten how all of these even started. As have many others, in this Instagram dominant world. 

But it's not like I would stop taking portraits entirely after discovering this, no. I will still take portraits from time to time, it's not that I don't enjoy it at all. But I'd probably stick to more relaxed kind of shoots, or shoot when I have a really nice idea I wish to execute. It's more of, I am going to indulge in my random snapping again like I did in 2014. Maybe get myself more disposable cameras to shoot with. Because these are what I truly found / find fun in photography. 

From customer to friend - ms tummy

Thankful for all the food you have bought us, Tabs

This is what I mean by I chase beautiful light

Supporting Jodie's booth at EOY where I bought lots of keychains

I absolutely adore this outfit and would shoot it some day

A hard day at work demands a hug from the person that gives me the most comfort

"I need more radish damn it"

Out for a shoot at East Coast with Eva

Drinking ice milo at Burger King 

This is really unglam but it was captured by Jodie... 

My... Valentine's? I am kidding, Chug was selling flowers and Jodie likes flowers

So I bought her a bouquet

Disappointing fluffy pancakes sadly

Little girl wanted to ride on the kiddy ride so badly

Did not think this shot through but oh wells 

Max here stealing the other Sean's Boost juice

Best cafe we've been to so far

Good coffee, good dessert, good pork don. 5/7

Impromptu photoshoot that followed after, because I wanted to finish my disposable

Of spiral staircases and a beautiful dress

"This dress has pockets"

Here is me, chasing beautiful light once again

Really love this shot though?!?!

I. Love. Good. Light.

Are we advertising for cafes now? 

Of Cinematic Photos and Impromptu Photoshoots

At some point along my portraits journey, I felt like these weren't the kind of photos I wanted to take. I started wondering, just what exactly am I taking? Like sure, they are definitely "nice" photos, but as Marie Kondo would say, they do not spark joy for me. As a result, burn out comes fairly quickly. Because at some point, it started to feel like work to me. But this would be elaborated in my other post, "Disposable".

Anyway, apart from fleeting moments, I thoroughly enjoy cinematic looking photos. Photos where they look like they were screenshots from a short film. Photos that can tell you a story. I planned out a cinematic shoot once, titled after Gnash's famous song, "i hate u, i love u". The story was basically how this girl is conflicted between her feelings of hate and love for the guy who has cheated on her. Sort of. It was a very amateurish attempt, but it remains to be my personal favourite shoot. 

So while it took some time for me to realise this, I know which direction I'm meant to head towards. But of course, I am no story writer. I can't churn out stories at the snap of my fingers. So there is absolutely no way that I'll be able to come up with tons of elaborate series like "i hate u, i love u" unless I'm very inspired by certain songs.

I knew the direction I had to take, but I was still lost. Then on a fateful day while I was hanging out with my matcha buddy, Naomi, we happened to talk about this topic. And she suggested that I could just recreate impactful or intimate moments in my life into photos. This way, it keeps the daily life aspect that I love, while providing a story for my cinematic desires. Truly, a lightbulb moment. And for that I say, thank you Naomi. 

(Of course, there will be plenty of shots taken simply for the aesthetic. My photos won't always have a story behind it, but I'll try to incorporate as much story as I can.)

I used to sit at benches below my house to cry before going home

What I used to do while waiting for my ex in school

Staring at my phone, waiting for your text

Model for the cover photo and top two: Jodie Seraphina
Model for the last photo: Naomi Huth

Context for photos:

I was in Ngee Ann Poly with Jodie to look at my sister's exhibition, when I came across a pretty garden with a swing. We were on our way to dinner, but I dragged Jodie with me to that garden just so I could experiment with cinematic photography. 

//

We were at Hvala just drinking matcha lattes, catching up on life, and talking about my direction for photography. Naomi told me to give it a try inside Hvala, since it looked so aesthetic. So I said, why not, I have a model right in front of me right. And without hesitation, we just took some photos. 

a much needed update in life (again)

Hey, it's your friendly writer, Sean a.k.a dustyrobe again. Here to just put down a lot of the reflections that I've been doing over the past weeks. Some of it would feel familiar, for I have posted them on my Instagram stories. Let's get this rolling shall we?

As some of you who have been reading my blog might know, I recently broke up. I didn't really touch on it much in my previous blog post, so only a few friends know the full details. I'm not really here to talk about it either, it's more of what I've learnt. Society has in a way made it seem like being single is a relatively bad thing. That you have to be in a relationship to be considered successful in life. But what society doesn't tell you is how liberating it is to finally be single again after being in a relationship. What society doesn't tell you is that dating is not all sunshine and rainbows, it comes with a whole lot of problems and stresses that you will never be prepared for. From trust issues, to the arguments, to the dramas. It can get so suffocating, to the point where you feel like you just can't seem to do anything. And when you finally end it, your eyes are opened. How it has been so toxic, how your partner might have been emotionally abusing you, how you can finally breathe, how you can let yourself heal, and love yourself. 

And that's what people don't tell you. They just tell you how nice it is to be in a relationship, to be loved by someone else. I'm here to tell you otherwise. I don't deny that being in a relationship can feel amazing, provided you are dating the right person. But, being single has it's perks too. That feeling when you are free to talk to anyone, or hang out with whoever you wish to, with no one stopping you or trying to start an argument with you for that. How peaceful your life can be when there are no constant arguments, and dramas. Or the fact that your life can be so stress free when you do not have to report to your partner about your whereabouts 24/7. Society is so quick to downplay all of these. You might tell me that all of these come with being in a relationship, but let me tell you honey, it shouldn't have to. If you're in a proper relationship, where both of you trust each other, there shouldn't be a need for all these. You'd only inform them things out of respect, and not be demanded to tell them every tiny detail. There's a difference. 

We just think about how nice it is to be in a relationship, how we crave to be loved, that we forget the importance of loving ourselves. There are a lot of things in life that we overlook just because of this wish to be in a relationship. Enjoying a simple dinner with your family, or even a reunion dinner with the extended family. Laughing over the dumbest things with your friends, doing retarded things with your best friends. Pursuing what it is you enjoy, with no one to hold you back. Or you know, even just being yourself without being told to change. Don't forsake all of these just because you wish to be in a relationship. If there is one thing I've learnt, there is no rush in this. Appreciate what you have going in life, and wait for the right person. Sure, it does get lonely. We want someone to come home to, to give us a hug or a kiss. Someone to cuddle with through the night. But don't let your physical needs get you into unnecessary trouble. Don't let it stop you from healing yourself, or from indulging in self love. 

Well, moving on. 

Now, this one is more for myself. But let's get this one started. 

If you've known me from 2014 to 2016, you might have known that the me then was pretty concerning. It was a me that had no sense of self, if you might. Back then, my relationship was pretty much my everything. I made my girlfriend then my only priority. There was no number two, not even myself. So I guess you can sort of imagined how it was when the relationship ended, I was left there stranded, with an unimaginably huge void to fill. How do I even fill a void that big? I didn't even know where to start, but I had to start somewhere. And so, began my journey to find myself. Following the advice from my best friend, Randell (given to me at a McDonald's in Clementi), I started off with my hobby, which was photography. Back then I was only ever interested in taking photos, and not so much of writing. I started to take more photos, I took part in instameets, and I delved into portraiture like I always wanted to. But that wasn't enough to make up my sense of self obviously, my hobby was just a small part of me. If you've been following this blog, you'd have noticed the massive amounts of reflections I do. It's these reflections that have helped me figure who I truly am. I will spare you the details. 

So let's fast forward to 2018 where I can finally say I've found my identity. Apart from my hobbies (photography and writing), apart from knowing my likes and dislikes, I've accepted my depression, my trauma, and my anxiety attacks as part of me. Now you might be thinking, who actually accepts those as part of their sense of self? I do, because some of these might never leave me, and accepting that is the first step in finding myself. I've accepted my various personalities, every last one of them. How I am with my family, how introverted I can be in new environments, how crazy I can be with my close friends, how different I am throughout different groups of friends, and of course how I am when I'm alone. Each and every personality is a part of me, and I will not deny any of them. 

Even things like my bad puns, my quirks, the way I laugh, my inability to stop myself from dancing whenever really good music comes on, and many more little things make up who I am as a person. My beliefs, my morals (or lack thereof), and my values. They contribute to this sense of self, and how I act as a person, how I act as me. 

Lastly, but also most importantly, it's my name. The name that my parents gifted me with. Truthfully, for the longest time, I wanted a different name. I wanted something that sounded cooler, and 'Dusty' was really a name I came to like being called. I would put that as my name in my bios, when I ordered drinks from Starbucks, and whatnot. But, I'm Sean. And after 22 years, I've come to be proud of this name my parents gave me. I really am. (Oh, let me sidetrack a bit because I have a little something to share that is related to this. If you remember, I posted a summarised version of this on my story a while back. And Jodie, being the gem she is, decided to carve a stamp / chop with my name on it. She explained that it was because of my story that she decided on using my name. I swear to god, I almost cried when I heard it that night. And I'll admit, my heart skipped a beat.)

So yes, I spent close to two years just to study myself, to learn about myself, as if I just met me. And after two years, I can finally say that I've found myself, my sense of self, my identity. This is me. No more masks, no more pretence. Just me being 100% real and raw.

Cheers,

Sean

2019 resolutions

"What are your goals for 2019?"
"What are your new year resolutions?"

These are the two questions that I've been asked repeatedly the past few weeks, and I'm sure many of you have been asked too.

It's not easy trying to think of something, to be honest. I haven't had any in years. So I was challenged to come up with something.

Took me a while, but I did come up with something for myself. I want to overcome my trauma, and fully recover from my anxiety attacks whenever I go to Braddell and Toa Payoh. To a lot of people, it might sound retarded. But it's a real and serious issue for me. My body reacts on it's own whenever I'm there. So I'm hoping it will one day get better in 2019. It's a stretch to be honest, but I want to try.

Of course, the logical follow up resolution after the previous one would be to heal completely. Many of you should know that I've got tons of scars from my previous relationships. And until I'm fully healed, I might never be able to date again. I used to think that I will never be able to heal from my first relationship, but lately, I'm starting to believe that it's possible. More possible than ever at least. Because I've managed to achieve closure last year. So hopefully, I'd be able to heal up some scars now that one wound is closed. It's definitely not going to be easy, but having come to terms with so much things have certainly made it a possible task. 

And I think that's basically it. You know what they say, you should never try to set too many goals. I think having two meaningful ones is good enough for me this year.