Film Walk (with Shannon)

Shannon praying for a boyfriend (?)

In the midst of all things serious, social distancing, and quarantine, allow me to share some photos me and Shannon took on our little day out from a week back. Both of us own a Kodak M35, the disposable film camera that is actually reusable. So we thought we'd bring them along to take some photos while we caught up on life. 

I think a huge character development worth mentioning is that when I first met Shannon nearly a year ago in Chug, she was super camera shy. Always covering her face when there was insta-stories to be taken, and with her back facing my lens only. I've lost count the amount of times she've said that she's ugly. But having not caught up with her properly in a few months, she's grown to be so much more confident. Now she's actually smiling in all of the photos I took of her, and not avoiding the insta-story. And as a friend, I'm actually damn proud and happy of her development. (Even if 99% of y'all think it's nothing, it's honestly something)

Just a disclaimer, but we went from Telok Ayer to Orchard, then WALKED all the way to Tanglin, and then Botanical Gardens and across the entire Botanics. So while there were a lot of opportunities to take photos, it most definitely killed my legs. 

All in all, I think it was really a much needed catchup. Shannon's one of the gems I found while working at Chug. Our conversation is filled with so many dirty jokes, normal people would have their jaws on the floor if they heard us. And the fact that she loves Gnash's music as much as I do sigh, it's so rare to find another fan. Even though we don't talk often now, our telepathy game still on point though, so much so we really do want it to stop sometimes. But yes, I'm really thankful for this friendship. So this post is an ode to my friendship with Shannon. 

(I tried to arrange the photos in a chronological order to the best of my abilities)
But, please enjoy the cute film photos.

Shan said I matched the robot

tryna look cute on a swing

Shan's turn to look cute on a swing

She was seeking shelter while we were getting lost

checking out some plants

this feels very candid but it might not be

shan and her $1 Dasani 

it got so hot, I took off my outerwear by the way; the sun ray is bomb here too

the leaves were very interesting so poor Shan had to stand there

I'm adjusting my hair to look pretty.....

Shan and her Dasani part 2

"This is the Botanic Gardens I imagined!" - Shan

A must-capture for film: travellator 

Coz film looks best inside MRT

Matcha latte, Kodak M35, and a tired af me

ghosts of a love

"ghosts of a love" is a bunch of poems I had to write in the span of two weeks for my creative writing module. It is the result of me tapping into the feelings of my first heartbreak, and incorporating all that I've learned from class and additional readings. The numbers you see are dates, and it's formatted in a way such that it is a diary of a person moving on from a heartbreak. Before anybody asks, I'll just answer this first, I've long moved on, and I'm in a better place, a happier place now. 

//

ghosts of a love

dustyrobe

fluorescent — 010717 

When a minute feels like a day, 

your words seem to slow down time

I play a supercut in my head, 

of how I should’ve noticed the signs

I still remember how we’d buy groceries, 

in the midst of giggles and sweet words

The way you always danced for me, 

I loved you every single day for two years

Now we stare at the food that’s gone cold, 

like the love we had that was once hot

I’m sitting here thinking if I should go, 

but my words are all caught up in a knot

It’s about time I start letting go of the little things,

before they become what they call hard feelings

//

t-shirt — 270717

I find myself kneeling 

in front of my drawer

some mornings, 

your mustard yellow t-shirt 

clenched in my hands.

It still smells like lavender,

your favourite smelling flower. 

There are nights where I find the courage to walk up to the chute, 

but not before I’m overwhelmed.

With the thought 

of not having a tangible memory 

of you. 

//

photographs — 140518

Photographs, like memories, 

are meant to be erased. 

To be forgotten. 

I don’t believe in photographs 

turning a fleeting moment into forever. 

We snap away at these moments, 

falsely believing that we are 

encasing them to last a lifetime. 

In reality, all that we have done is to 

make these memories tangible. 

It is much easier to forget them this way. 

I think this is why we burn photographs 

after a bad breakup. 

It is a symbolic act. 

We believe we are moving on 

when we burn these photographs. 

Photography is the act of erasing memories, not creating.

//

hungover — 090718

When dawn breaks, the rooster screams.

Like a spear aimed for my ears, 

it shatters my dreams. 

I wake in sweat, 

my stomach queasy. 

My head nailed to the bed, 

the spirals of the nail resonating. 

There is a ripple in my heart. 

I miss you. 

Slowly, it becomes a wave. 

Abruptly, the sea roars. 

I drown in the whirlpool of thoughts, 

and my room spins. 

There is a shriek, 

this time it serves to remind me of 

reality.

//

4 a.m. — 220918

The stillness of the trees, 

of a night that only knows peace.

The moon rests on its bed 

that is so black, the stars look dead.

The serenity begs only for honesty,

it is too quiet for the echos of hypocrisy.

4 a.m. is the hour of honest feelings,

I loved you, and I’m finally healing.

//

moving on — 050419

Your words, they carry so much weight, my heart, it quivers 

All the twists, and all the turns, like a snake, it poisons my mind 

The webs you’ve spun, they made me waiver

Layers upon layers, your lies, my lies, they intertwined

A glass of gin, a cup of monkeys, then a shot of baileys

There’s something long forgotten, I must remember

A little spark ignites, the webs are burning

Tears are shed, dawn breaks, capillaries severed

When the eyes have dried up, and the heart empty, 

the mind is clear, the memories no longer tinted

The threads are undone, the birds are chirping

I take in a deep breath, I pause for a minute

Like a prey that was released from the spider,

I am free to soar, and I’ve never been happier 

The Knife and Her

It has been a long 3 months since my last post, so hello again. The past two months have been busy as hell. I'm in the midst of rushing out work, but allow me to share a piece of writing with all of you. This was written for my Creative Writing short story assignment so hopefully you would enjoy it. I will have to change my entire writing to fit the criteria of the assignment, but it feels like a waste to just delete it because this is my first fiction piece since 2012. It's titled "The Knife and Her" and here it is.

////

The house was quiet. All that could be heard was the slow rhythm of a knife against a chopping board. The thumping echoed down the empty hallway. Across the entryway was a small kitchen, befitting of a newly wed couple. One could only take three steps before reaching the other side of the kitchen. 

On the marble kitchen top were a number of ingredients: Onions, garlic, chicken breast, and some mushrooms. She stood in a daze. Her eyes were focused on somewhere in the distance, the motion of dicing onions operated on autopilot. Slicing and slicing and slicing. The knife was comfortable being wielded by her slender and scar-ridden hand, their synergy terrifying and wondrous. There was no denying that the two had worked together thousands of times. She knew how the knife wished to be held, and the knife knew how she wanted her ingredients cut. 

A single tear rolled off her cheek, falling atop the diced onions. She was indifferent to it, as was the knife. One more tear, then another followed. The knife simply kept moving, only seeking to complete the task at hand. This was a normal occurrence, just one of her nightly routines. 

She continued working in tandem with the knife. Cutting, slicing, and dicing. Both completely unaffected by the tears that were seasoning the onions. As she moved with precision and speed, her eyes remained fixed in the distance. But she knew the knife would not let her down. 

True enough, as they moved on to the garlic, then the mushrooms, the knife showed no signs of letting up on the rhythm either. The knife showed no interest in what she was looking at. It simply kept cutting with the utmost precision, guiding her hands up and down. It was unclear who was in charge. 

Oh how great it would be if this knife could cut more than just the tangible, she wondered. She knew that if the knife could, it would never fail her. But what was it exactly she wanted to cut? She pondered over the possibilities. Was it to snip off the red strings of fate, or to cut off this incessant throbbing in her chest that haunted her nightly?  She did  not have an answer. Yet, somehow she knew that if she did not cut it off, it would soon eat her up from the inside. 

A gust of wind blew in through the slim crack of her window, breaking the silence of the house momentarily. She moved on to the chicken. Without instructions, the knife moved on its own. 

She needed those sliced in finger-sized pieces. And the knife complied. As the pale pinkish chicken breast was being sliced, it slowly began turning into a deeper shade of pink, and eventually, crimson. It was almost as if the knife was checking up on her, testing if she was concentrating on the task at hand. 

The answer was clear, her mind clouded with thoughts. Trembling, all she could think of was what happened just a few weeks ago. Even after all these years with her partner — now husband, she had not felt such pleasure before. But this was not right. 

Never in her wildest imagination had she ever expected to be able to feel like that. That her body could experience such a sensation. That toe-curling, back arching, and blood pumping sensation. She started panting as she relived that experience in her head. 

This was her nightly routine ever since she gave in to her temptations. Tossing and turning around in bed, awaiting her husband’s return but craving another’s embrace. Her husband only came home in the wee hours almost every night, entertaining client after client. That left her to her thoughts and their cold, empty bed. Unable to sleep, she would get up. In her nightgown, she would begin cooking. 

Maybe it was to atone for the guilt she felt, but it offered her some form of salvation and a little distraction from her wild imagination. Her body would be worn out by the time she was done, and the exhaustion would lull her to sleep. But now, her body was so used to the motions, it no longer tired her out. Her mind was once again flooded with the imagery, and lust. 

Finally placing the knife to rest on the table, she turned around. A beeping sound pierced through the quiet night when the induction cooker came to life. Drizzling the pan with oil, she waited for a minute before tossing the garlic and onions in. To anyone else, the sizzling aroma would have whisked them off their feet. But this was merely just another motion. She threw the mushrooms in, tossed them a little, and added the chicken breast. She seasoned it with a  pinch of salt, a dash of pepper, and a few tears. 

She poured the contents out onto a white, porcelain plate and brought it out to the dining table. She dragged the chair out mindlessly. With a thump, she let her whole weight collapse against the chair. Staring mindlessly at the chicken breast, she wondered what time he would be home tonight, but it did not matter to her anymore. 

The clock hanging on the wall in front of her ticked away. Seconds went by, and then minutes. A faint sound of a liquid dripping could be heard along with the ticking of the clock. Both sounds were in sync at first, but then the dripping increased its pace. Soon it was a trickle, then a constant flow. 

As if the hands of the clock had begun to hypnotise her, she found herself feeling drowsier, her body and head getting heavier. With a thud, her arm went limp and slid off her body. The clock just kept on ticking. The knife, which was in the kitchen, now laid on the dining table. For once the knife was able to cut the intangible. A smile could be seen on her face. Just like the quiet and serene night, she too had found her peace. She had not known how to atone, so the knife helped her with it.

Romanticisms of Film

Melbourne ; Nikon FM2

The slow process of loading a roll of film, composing a shot, winding the lever, and then taking the photograph. Film, there is something about the slow process that I can't help but enjoy and fall in love with. The colours that the film produces, how it slows everything down in this fast paced life. When I'm restricted to just a whopping 36 shots, every shot becomes a hundred times more precious. Perhaps it has to do with the costly fees of buying film and then developing it. When one just can't afford to waste even one shot. 

But, there is always something very magical whenever I pick up my film cameras. At the end of it, I always feel that I've become a better photographer than I was before. Simply because (almost) every shot was carefully crafted. And sometimes, I transfer this mindset over to my digital work. Instead of rushing through my shoots and snapping whatever to see what works, I try to compose beforehand and get the shot that I want and would be proud of. 

Johor Bahru ; Nikon FM2

Xuanxuan ; Nikon FM2

Me, by Xuan ; Nikon FM2

Me with messy hair, by Xuan ; Nikon FM2

What you doing? ; Nikon FM2

my fav shot ; Nikon FM2

When it comes to film however, there are two types. The first is the 35mm film camera which I would carefully craft each photograph, because I know the quality would be top notch. The other, is my disposable camera (though now, thanks to the new Kodak M35, it's a reusable disposable) where I mostly use for in-the-moment kind of shots. It's the camera I would bring everywhere with me, to capture friends when I'm out. I've always wanted to bring my camera everywhere with me, but a DSLR is simply too heavy to lug around and it's too expensive to buy a new compact or mirrorless camera these days. So the Kodak M35 is the perfect option. 

Both cameras serve very different purposes for me, but they both give me the same feeling of suspense. Not knowing what kind of photos I have took, and when the photos are develop, they always surprise me. Of course, there will always be disappointing shots where it's underexposed, out of focus, or half-blinks, etc. But the feeling of being surprised by the results outweighs the disappointment. 

Seanny and his unnecessarily cut up t-shirt ; Kodak M35

Max at work ; Kodak M35

Ben slurping some balls ; Kodak M35

Xinde (possibly drunk) ; Kodak M35

Seanny, about to get drunk ; Kodak M35

Shannon, smiling as she's texting ; Kodak M35

Happy Chug 2nd Anniversary uwu ; Kodak M35

A-Team ; Kodak M35

My gift for Seanny, a batman ; Kodak M35

I think I romanticise film too much, I will not deny that. But I am a sucker of nostalgia, and I think film gives me a lot of that sense of nostalgia. Even if these photos are not from the past. Even on digital work, all I strive for, is to replicate the tones of film. Is it the colours of film that I'm chasing, or am I simply chasing nostalgia? Perhaps I was born in the wrong time. Had I been born in the era where film was at its peak, would I have had more satisfaction in my creative work? 

In a world that has simply become too fast paced, where photos are merely another file on our desktop, photographs and memories are taken for granted. Maybe that's why I like film so much, it gives the photographs, the memories, an anchor to the real world. A physical album of memories for me to show my children in future. These are my friends, and these are all proof of my existence, our existence. It is proof that I lived. 

Cheers,

Sean

my birthday dinner this year, bought by Max ; Kodak M35

my uwu ; Kodak M35

They surprised me with a cake, no not really, the staff did ; Kodak M35

Cherry Garden ; Kodak M35

Bus ride to school ; Kodak M35

Lae and Bidhya surprised me with a cake after class uwu ; Kodak M35

My birthday dinner, bought by Xuan ; Kodak M35

We ran for sunrise ; Kodak M35

HINA SAN ; Kodak M35

Very expensive lunch (light leak coz I accidentally opened the back before winding) ; Kodak M35

People and Places and Xuan (JB) ; Kodak M35

Me and a bottle ; Kodak M35

He eats bibimbap, I eat the side dishes ; Kodak M35

A t-shirt bought by Xuan ; Kodak M35

Life Photography

"I don't want to be known as Joe Greer, the guy who only photographs streets. Or Joe Greer, the guy who only does portraits..."

Joe is one of those photographers that I've looked up to since 2014 and this video is really beneficial. He talks about how photography has so many aspects, and that one shouldn't trap themselves in just one genre. He calls it "Life photography", because he's always documenting. Maybe it's street photos, maybe it's portraits, maybe vacation photos, even photos for clients. It's all in the form of documenting. And we shouldn't shut off other genres of photography just because we are comfortable in one genre.

I guess that's why I stopped doing purely portraits. I originally did portraits because it felt challenging to me, it was something I had never done before. And when I finally got better at it, I stuck with it because it was what I was comfortable with. It was what my "followers wanted to see". But at some point, it was no longer what I wanted to do. Don't get me wrong though, I still have very crazy ideas and concepts that I want to try from time to time and I have a model who's always willing to help me aka Michelle. But portraits alone did not bring me the satisfaction I wanted. Yet for the longest time, I kept my feed strictly portraits only in order to have some form of aesthetically pleasing feed for people to look upon.

But this year has been a change. I ventured into some food and product photography while helping Chug Chug do up their Instagram. I did some travel photography and street photography while I was in Melbourne with my family. I did some portraits again, with Megan and Xue Ning. And most recently, I picked up my film cameras again (Nikon FM2 and the Kodak M35 - a reusable "disposable" camera).

The idea for using the Kodak M35 is because it's a snap and go camera, making it perfect for fleeting moments where I don't want to be fumbling around with the settings. It's also small and light, making it easy to carry around with me everywhere. I've always wanted to carry a camera with me everywhere I go, so this is the perfect camera. Even if it's a tad costly to shoot film. Ideally I would want to be able to carry my DSLR with me everywhere I go so I can take street shots anywhere, but it's just not practical given how heavy it is.

But ultimately, like what Joe said, I have always wanted to do what he calls "life photography". To just document different aspects of life through my eyes. I don't want to be restricted to merely one genre of photography. I want to enjoy photography as it was always meant to be. To capture all sorts of things that is deemed beautiful in my eyes. From people, to places, to the mundane things, anything at all.

problem

I have this issue, and it's that I always get these ideas in my head, be it for stories or for photoshoots. But I can never bring myself to fully execute them. I write up one chapter and I get tired, so I stop writing. I think of wonderful ideas for shoots but with the excuse of lack of logistics, I dare not try to do the shoot. Maybe it's because of my lazy nature, or my lack of motivation. But I never ever set out to finish what I can imagine. And I always found it a shame, because my imagination is wild and I dare to imagine things that break all sorts of norms. But sadly, this is the problem I will always face.

vsco aesthetics // back to my roots

I have said it many times, but Instagram has become a place where every photographer is copying another, where everyone is jumping on trends, where everyone is too focused on the "perfect photo", and every photographer is too concerned with what everyone likes / wants to see. There was barely any photos or photographers that would inspire me there anymore. There was simply nothing creative, or aesthetically pleasing to me. Nothing weird. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just safe photos of cityscapes, and boring portraits. 

Of course, I was no exception to this. I found that my portraits were getting boring, and hence I stopped taking portraits for the most part. Just a different model, and a different backdrop, but the same posing and the same framing. Rinse and repeat. What even was I doing anymore? This was never the photography that I wanted. Sure, I did some really cool concepts. The all pink shoot with Michelle was amazing. The 'I hate u, I love u' concept I did with Nehe and Bev was also fairly interesting. My recent shoot with Megan at Hawpar Villa was also a little weird and retro. But apart from those, all of my other shoots were simply boring. 

And being deprived of inspirations made it harder to create. 

I found myself on VSCO editing some phone shots. I decided to take a scroll through VSCO's feed since it's been years since I last did that. And I was blown away. What really amazed me was that even after all these years, VSCO was still curating photos that they felt were aesthetically pleasing. These photos did not belong to any one genre or aesthetic. They varied from style to style. There were many weird concepts for portraits, there were photos of random objects on the floor, random aesthetics. For once in years, I was actually inspired. "This was what I've been searching so desperately for", I thought to myself. 

I'd always taken a weird approach with my photography when I first started. Photos of chairs, of brooms, of flower pots, of slabs of meat found on the floor. But Instagram changed me to conform to all these "perfect" shots. Because it was all that I saw, it narrowed my mind and perspectives so much. Being on VSCO widened my perspectives again, and I've been scrolling through the feed to find more and more inspiration. I don't think I'll be doing much portraits in future, to avoid boring photos, unless I have some weird concepts I want to try. But mostly, I want to get back to my old VSCO aesthetics, taking random photos of this and that. Capturing fleeting moments on both my phone and on my camera. It's hard to explain what this aesthetic is, but basically, I've decided to say screw what everyone thinks. What matters is that I like what I'm shooting. 

The High is Epik

When it comes to Korean music, I've always had a preference for their raps. And the one band who really shaped that preference of mine, was Epik High. I first got to know their music when they joined YG entertainment back in the day and released '99'. I was in love with mainly two songs from that album - 'New Beautiful' and 'Don't Hate Me'. 'New Beautiful' was an anthem for me at that point in time because I was struggling a lot with my self-image and that song really helped me in feeling better about myself. 

But it was their subsequent albums, 'Shoebox', 'We've Done Something Wonderful', and 'Sleepless in ___", which solidified me as a fan. 'We've Done Something Wonderful' in particular hit me in the feels real hard when I first heard it. The raps were mostly on the emotional side, and they inspired me to write even more. 

Throughout the years since I first discovered them, I knew I wanted to catch them live at least once. It was on my bucket list. But I knew it was near impossible, they only ever performed in Korea and America. Not once in 6 years did we ever hear news of them having the possibility of coming to Singapore to perform. That was, until this year. A few months back, a friend of mine shared with me a post by Tablo, announcing their concert in Singapore. So you can imagine how happy I was to hear it. 

I'll skip the unnecessary details, but long story short, on the day of my shoot with Megan, we both decided to go for the concert together. And Epik High was hands down the best performers I'd ever watched live. The energy, the interactions, the live rapping. They were simply the best. I never thought I'd get to hear Tablo's machine gun rapping in real life, and my ears were blessed. I enjoyed myself much more than I even imagined. 

Megan and I thought it'd be packed and because our queue numbers were in the 900s, we thought we wouldn't be near enough. But we were wrong. The audience was so chill, you wouldn't think they were here to watch a Korean concert. Most K-pop concerts are usually filled with screaming teenage girls who are pushing and shoving. But the audience this time was mature, and since there was a makeshift "bar" at the side selling drinks, a lot of them were actually hanging at the back with those drinks. No one was trying to squeeze to the front or anything. Just a bunch of few hundred people here to enjoy Epik High's performance. It was the most enjoyable concert I had ever attended, honestly. A lot of my favourite songs were sung, so you can imagine how happy I was. I was just a little bummed that they didn't sing a few more slow songs. 

But overall, it was the greatest concert ever. Thank you Epik High. It was worth burning a hole in my pockets for this. 

Evoking Nostalgia

When one mentions Hawpar Villa, it will almost certainly evoke some form of nostalgia among Singaporeans. Our parents thought it would be fun to bring us to this place when we were kids, which features rather abstract statues and sculptures of Chinese folklore. In fact, they often tricked us into thinking that it was an amusement park. Well, amusing for the parents indeed, when they see our frightened faces. Hawpar Villa is probably most known for its depiction of Hell. Inside their "Ten Courts of Hell", horrified children can take a look at which sins / crime would land them in which parts of Hell. While parents standing behind their kids would take the opportunity to tell them to behave, and be a good kid or they would end up in Hell. 

There is also a whole segment dedicated to "Journey to the West" and if you're a true Singaporean Chinese, then you know it's quite possibly the most famous Chinese folklore there is. Of course, most of the sculptures would seem as "scary" to most kids, and even some adults. But despite everything, and how our parents tricked us, this place still holds some form of nostalgia and memory to us. 

I revisited the place in 2017, many years after my first visit as a child and I saw the place with a new perspective. I was, and still am, very in love with @uuanjie's work and his earlier works featured Hawpar Villa. He managed to bring forth a sense of nostalgia through his style in those photos, despite the models being in fashionable clothes. It was through those photos which I realised that I was lacking in perspectives. But my photography wasn't what I hoped for back then, so the photos didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted them to.  

Fast forward to just last week, I went to Hawpar Villa again. This time with a very sweet friend of mine, Megan (@meggychiaaaa). I was also equipped with better editing, framing, and a piece of cling wrap. Right from the start, I wanted to do a very nostalgic / retro-ish shoot. So I got Megan to dress like she was from the 70s and she did not disappoint, since she loved retro too. The cling wrap was to act as a soft filter of sorts. It softens the image so much it gives the photo a film-like look, and when there is sunlight, the cling wrap gives it an additional glow. Bless Natalia (@natalianaa) for having gifted me this tip because it honestly gives me the kind of look I've been searching for for the past two years.

I did this shoot hoping it would evoke some form of nostalgia in all Singaporeans who looked at these photos. And also to connect myself with my childhood in a way. Many would call Hawpar Villa a "unique" choice to shoot in, and that not many would do so because it just doesn't seem "aesthetic" by most photographers. But I've always been a sucker for old things, and old locations. As long as I can make my photos look like they're from decades back, I'm sold. Hence, Hawpar Villa serves as the perfect location to me. Not many people would appreciate, but I hope a few of you do.