Leaping into yet another phase in life

About two years ago, during this period, I remember receiving my enlistment letter. I was expecting it, but it was still a dread when I finally saw the letter. I didn't know what to expect from national service, it was scary. "It's just two years." Everyone would tell me, but it really isn't. If you're physically and mentally strong, then maybe, that two years would be a breeze. But if you're like the majority of young teenage boys, then entering national service is potentially one heck of a stressful event. 

My first two months was hell. During my Basic Military Training (BMT), everything was so physically draining, my body just couldn't handle it. Eventually I got injured, and was put on status for one month out of the two.

Well, it did get better afterwards. I was posted to be a driver, and it was there that I made some amazing friends. Zero physical training, so that was perfect for me. Driving though, was a pain in its own way. It took me seven tries before I finally passed the driving test. I was so emotional I actually called my mum in the midst of the heavy rain to tell her I finally passed.

Army isn't so bad, I would think to myself after driving course had ended. It was tiring, sure, but I had good company when we had to drive for outfields. We even got to go New Zealand as part of an exercise, and out of all the countries we could go to, New Zealand was without a doubt the best one. It wasn't perfect of course, the unit we supported was one of the worst this country had to offer. They showed no appreciation for support units like us drivers, and the technicians. Looking at you, artillery. Of course, there were good peeps who gave us the recognition we deserved. My man, Shiny Batto, Alientummy, and Mr. CSM Joshua. 

But of course, life never goes the way you want it to. We had a change in Node Sergeant Major, and that was when everything went to shit. All it takes is one guy to ruin a tradition that has been built for years. I mean, you know you're screwed if your own superior doesn't appreciate the work you do. And you know you're screwed ten times as bad if everyone in the office doesn't like this guy.

Off topic, as always. But yeah, before I even know it, my two years is almost up. By August 3rd, I'll be a free man once again. It's been one hell of a ride, there were tons of ups and downs. We were used and abused by this organization so much that we simply gave up and didn't want to be nice people anymore. They simply didn't deserve our help.

So what's next? To be honest, I forgot to apply for university. But that's because I thought the application would be AFTER the open house and not before it. What even is the point of having the open house after the application date. But it was a good thing that that happened, so I won't complain. See, I actually have no clue on what I wish to study. Psychology seems to be logical choice, since I did that in poly. But my interest for it is only 50%. I would have chosen English, but what would I do after I graduate? A teacher? Nope, not my thing. So I had time to think about all of it through, and there was the career fair I recently attended. And apparently, being a journalist suits me. Something I'd never considered before, so that's what I'm considering now. 

I'm obviously going to be working part time after I ORD, and I'll definitely have more time for shooting. So that's what I'll be doing. I haven't done proper portraits in a while, so I got to do that. I want to shoot some sunrises and sunsets too, and landscapes. Just so I can play with more edits. 

Most importantly, I will finally have more sleep. Hopefully. And I will never have to deal with stupid shit thrown at me by the army. 

ORD LO! I mean, Cheers.

Korea 2k17 (Seoul / Busan)

It's been almost six months since I embarked on my Korea trip with my close buddies, Jordan and Yi Hong, in the middle of winter in December. We had no proper winter clothing, just heat tech from Uniqlo, and a lot of layers. I wrapped myself in a whopping six layers, looking like a burrito, just to keep myself warm. The Korea trip was most certainly a life changing, and eye opening one. We'd decided on going free and easy for this one, so we had to book everything ourselves and boy was it tough. It was a lot more hassle than we thought. Itinerary wise, we only had a few rough locations in mind, otherwise it was all planned the night before in our BnB.

It was one hell of a crazy trip. We walked all day, slept at 3am, woke at 12 noon, and walked again. We spent all of our money, withdrew more, and spent again. We hiked in Busan, complained about our aching legs, had our breaths taken away by the view, complained again, and repeated the routine everyday. We bought food in marts and Jordan would make our breakfast every morning, and we'd snack on honey butter products past 1am. 

We struggled to find food everyday, because Yi Hong and myself couldn't handle too much spiciness. We struggled to find our ways because the two of them couldn't understand Korean and all I knew was basic Korean. I did my best to converse with the locals when purchasing stuffs, enquiring stuffs, and whatnot. 

We lived like locals. We stayed in apartments (BnB) instead of hotels, we visited marts, we took the trains and buses. We got lost, we laughed, we took a whole lot of photos. We shivered as the temperature dropped daily, and we found solace in shops embedded with heaters. We got excited like little kids as snow started to fall on us. We ignored our leaking noses and hurting ears, we fully enjoyed the moments. 

Korea, you were beautiful. We had one heck of a good time. The company was amazing, I couldn't have asked for better partners in crime for this trip. I'm looking forward to my next overseas trip. Hopefully Australia, or New Zealand.

Cheers.

Can you blame me? Their payphone looks so cinematic

The moment the snow fell

City boi

The crazy view that made it all worth

We risked our lives for these shots

Cliche

What do you do at a beach in winter? Take some photos

Your boi just chilling with two layers coz it got hot

Tri-X 400 // Shooting On Film Again

Well, it's been like what, two years since I've shot on film? I actually can't remember when was the last time I shot on film, but I do remember buying a roll of Tri-X 400 to play with maybe eight months back?

It's actually a black and white film, which I've always wanted to try. Colours are distracting after all, so why not just shoot in black and white. It saves me the trouble of worrying about anything related to colours. But with it comes new worries, the blacks and the whites. I have to make sure my model doesn't drown in the background, or if the shadows will cover too much details, etc.

I brought my Nikon FM2 coupled with the 105mm f/2.5 to this film instameet organised by Lutfi. It was now or never, I had to finish this roll of film. Of course, I bought this film originally meant for street photography, but now that I'm doing portraits, I decided to give portraits on film a go instead. So for this shoot, we've got Shirley with us. 

Living up to my name of #seandontleaveme given by her

Shooting the shooter because that's a thing

It's a running joke that she's my 5 year old daughter

And I wanted that office lady with an inner child vibe

I am no film expert, so I can't tell you all the detailed stuffs. It's just therapeutic for me to shoot film. I'm stuck on one ISO only, and it's full manual, so I'm constantly changing settings accordingly to the light available. I can't shoot indoors mostly because it's ISO 400 that I'm stuck at so that did kinda suck for me. Manual focusing isn't the easiest thing to do, especially with that hot sun shining on us and I didn't want Shirley to get a heat stroke from waiting too long. Plus, I only have 36 shots on me. I can't afford to waste any shot, because of how expensive film is these days. So every shot has got to count. Some things have to be sacrificed of course, and this case, I took my time framing every shot and focusing. I'd just buy her a drink after. I'm kidding, the model's health is always top priority. 

With digital, I can easily shoot 300-400 photos per shoot, and most of it is crap. So I'm extra careful with my 36 shots. It most certainly feels good to take my time with each shot. I'd scout the background, thinking how best to go about using it before I get Shirley to pose. I try not to experiment too much like I do usually, and am merely focusing on getting a good shot. I ain't got no extra films. So I hope you love these shots as much as I do. They really did turn out much better than I thought. 

Apparently, making my models squat has become my signature

Absolutely love this one

This one was one of those failed shots, but still #seandontleaveme

Loving that harsh light

Help cause the chair was burning

Now it's #shirleydontleaveme

Kianhao after this shot: "don't tell her anything, let her keep walking"

And you know what? Some times, film teaches you a lesson that you can apply in digital photography. There's actually no need to spam that shutter button when shooting digital. I know, most famous photographers do that and they encourage it. And that certainly is the case for paid work especially, because you don't want the perfect frame to be ruined by a blink, or a twisted foot that you didn't notice. But if you're shooting casually, why not take the time to frame a shot, consider the elements that is being added to or subtracted from your shot. Get it right in one shot. It's much more therapeutic this way, and you have less culling to do afterwards.

Another lesson I got out of it (partially from watching Kodachrome) was that you should use film on photos that you want to keep. I wasted my first two rolls of film on mostly street photography and very bad photos. Most of which I wouldn't keep to be honest. That shouldn't be the case, especially with the scarcity of film in this era. If you ask me, I won't be using my film for planned shoots anymore. I can come up with amazing concepts, but that does not mean I want them kept as hardcopies. Why? Because the people inside don't mean anything to me.

What I'm saying is, I'd rather use film on the people who matter. Family and close friends. I always wondered as a kid why my dad shot rolls after rolls of film of the family, we barely had space to keep that many albums. But now, I guess I do understand where he was coming from. It's these photos that you will take out and flip through, show your kids, your wife / husband, and reminisce. 

Can you believe I don't remember taking this

Shirley bending over for that amazing light

Posing with scooters is a must

Need to look badass while we're at it

My favourite shot from the whole roll. Perfect bokeh.

I just like going closer for one more shot, every time.

Huge thanks to Shirley for modelling for me again. Go follow her on Instagram at @iamshirleyho!

A Break

Well once again, it's been a long time since I updated my blog. Almost two months actually. This is becoming a tradition if you ask me. Updating once every two months. 

If you follow me on Instagram, you'd know that I have stopped shooting. 
*Gasps* "But why, Sean?!" 
Truth be told, I don't have a clue myself. It's just that the passion for shooting has died, sort of. And it's not the first time it's happened. Back when I was shooting streets, I had a period when I just didn't feel like shooting anymore. Next thing I know, I was shooting portraits like nobody's business. Maybe it had gotten too serious. After all, I started off shooting portraits just for the fun of it. To have fun, to laugh about the weird poses I make my models do. But somehow, somewhere along the way, it got a little serious. Shoot after shoot, it was packed, it was busy, it was tiring. There was a need to keep shooting. But yet every shoot felt more or less the same somehow. The same poses, just a different model, a different background. I was shooting for the sake of shooting. 

The only shoots where I really pushed myself, where I tried to create something weirder than the previous, were my shoots with Randell. I never really know what I'm doing though, I just wanted something cinematic. The only shoot I ever had a concept? It was the banana shoot with Randell. Every other shoot I never really had a clue of what I was doing. Which is how I ended up shooting for the sake of shooting. I didn't have the time to think beforehand what I wanted. 

Hence, I decided to stop shooting portraits entirely for the time being. To take a much needed break once again. That is not to say I won't shoot at all, if I see nice light or something interesting, I will always take snapshots. If a close friend of mine wants me to help take some photos, I'm always happy to help. 

I just... want to take a break. To free up my weekends so I can spend more time with the people I love. To write a little more, to breathe a little more. 

Wrapping up 2017

Long overdue but, it's time for a yearly write up or something like that. I wrote one for 2016 so I thought I'd write one again for 2017. 

2017 has been special, and it's been really kind to me. Honestly didn't expect it but thank you Life for being so kind. I've probably already said it before in other posts so I'll sum it up. I went for my first ever instameet last year around April / May (thank you Randell for giving me that courage and support by going with me) and from there it's been a life changing past few months. I've met so many people through Instagram and I am grateful for that.

Really thankful that I got to meet Ivan who's now my shifu (master) for photography, because he has taught me so much and given me so much opportunities. Because of that, I've had the chance to find my own path in photography and refine my style. Something I've never been able to do before. Trust me when I say that it's hard for an introvert like myself to direct models, but I slowly gained the confidence to do it after shooting with Ivan so often. 

I've had the opportunities to work with a lot of amazing people this year as well, and I couldn't be more thankful for that. 

- Rachel [@rachlsq]
- Amber [@spiked_rosesx]
- Azek [@its.azek]
- Amanda [@adblehs]
- Xue Ning [@tainted_smiles_]
- Shirley [@iamshirleyho]
- My sis [@crystaaaaly]
- Desmondo [@desmondoteo]
- Terence [@n8tewind]
- Kai Long [@tangkailong]
- Dominic [@dominicpoh]
- Jordan [@jordanchabonkia]
- Yi Hong [@h0keypokey]
- and last but not least, my fav muse Randell [@zeroforfun]

Each and everyone of you has had an impact on my photography in one way or another and y'all have helped me to improve so much. Thank you for putting up with my slow and awkward directing, and sometimes very weird posing. Especially Randell, I've made you done so much weird stuffs in the name of art and more will come. 

I actually can't believe I worked with so many people from September till now, considering the fact that I was away for November and half of my December. 

I'm sorry this came so late. I originally wrote it in the middle of December, but the past one month has been insane. Insane in a good way though. But I'll leave that for another post. 

He

He never felt like the main character in his own story, just a side who was never the center in anything. He thought just maybe, things would change when she entered his life. But ideals and reality often never collide. She became the main character in his story, his life, his very all. It wasn’t a bad thing, he’d tell himself. At least now he had a reason to live for. His life came crashing down when she left, “now who’s gonna fill that gap?” But what he didn’t expect, was that he finally became his own main character because of that. He ended up filling his own gap. Even if it’s a main character of a sad love story. But the story doesn’t end there because he started loving himself. He found his own reasons to live, his dreams, and a life he can call his own. 

///

Just something very casual I wrote in 10 minutes

A Constant Fight // Reflections

If you've been reading this little blog of mine, you probably know that I usually only write photography related things, updates or just sad words. I don't write or talk much about anything psychology related or mental health issues even though I studied it for poly because I don't feel like I'm fit to. 

If you follow anything K-pop related at all, then you'll know SHINee's Jonghyun recently just passed away after struggling against depression for a long time. I am no fan, and neither do I follow his or their music, but I can sympathise with the fans. It's truly heartbreaking, the more I read on, the sadder I get. While most people believe that suicide is selfish, because you're causing grief to the people around you, we have to think in their shoes too. To some, it's not an end to life but an end to their pain. I don't know his struggles, his dilemmas, but I do respect the decision he came to. It definitely wasn't easy. And I most certainly hope he will be happier in the afterlife, I honestly do. 

It makes me think, makes me reflect a lot. Because this happens a lot more than you and I think. There are people struggling with depression all around us. We just don't notice it. Why? Because their struggles aren't written on their face like physical injuries are. They can be smiling, laughing and having a good time with you and still be depressed. That's how depression works. The negative thoughts, the turmoil, the suicidal thoughts are constantly there as a package. It's a constant fight in them. 

Trust me when I say that most people think lightly of depression. They just think that it's a phase and people will eventually become happier. It's sad to know this if you ask me. We wish for the whole human population to be educated on the mental health but it's honestly just not possible. Let's be real, too many people can't be bothered. So I'll do what I can as a psychology diploma graduate. I'm here to tell you to keep showing that love and concern for those you know are struggling with that fight. Here to tell you to show some care and concern for those around you by dropping in on them every once in a while. You never know how a little gesture can go a long way, how a listening ear can change decisions. I'm here to tell you that what they don't want to hear is "just try and be happy" or "endure it for a little more". It's not that encouragements are useless, but you have to be tactful with it. How are they supposed to try and be happy? Say something a little more useful. Tell them you love them, show them that love and just be there for them.

It made me realise too, how much of a loss I would be in if I was placed in a situation where someone close to me just goes. I honestly wouldn't know what to do, what to feel. The thing about this is that it can happen to anyone. And that's scary.

So for all my family and friends, I want y'all to know that I love all of you. And that y'all can hit me up or call me any time if y'all need somebody to talk to. 

When We Were Twelve

Gone were the days of our simple lives. Where there was nothing to worry about, apart from our teachers confiscating our trading card games. Exam stress? We were carefree nonetheless. Now all we do is worry and stress, it’s like we can never rest. We ran while chasing each other in our little game of tag, oh those were such joys. We’re all chasing girls now, but where’s the fun in that. No more and ice and water, we replaced that with cold wars. We’re no longer running in the rain, only away from our responsibilities. Maybe the ones that made it complicated were ourselves. Maybe simple wasn't what we wanted anymore, but do you think we could go back to how it was when we were twelve. I buy the cards we played, I download the games we played back then. But nothing feels the same. The joy is never what it was, too much has changed. No, we've changed. 

//

Just something short I wrote after listening to "Us Against the World" by Epik High.

A Dream That's A Little Far

For the longest time, I have been fascinated by cinematography. It could be in the form of films, music videos, or even photographs. The aesthetics in it is just simply beautiful. And when used in photos, it just tells so much more story than a normal photo. As such, it has in one way or another shaped the way I take my photos. The music that I listen to have inevitably played a part in influencing my artistry as well. 

There was a funfair at Tampines so I took the chance to try shooting there at late afternoon / early evening. I didn’t think that they would only open at 6pm but that worked to our advantage as it was empty. My original plan was to get the crowd at the back but having nobody around gave a sadder, lonelier vibe so we worked with that instead. Randell has been working with me for so long that we can communicate without words, plus the fact that we’re best friends, he’s able to give me the mood I want pretty effortlessly too.

But of course, I’ve been out of it for about a month because I was overseas, so it took me a while to get used to shooting again. Thankfully he trusted me enough to let me make him do all sorts of weird poses. 

The results? A lot better than I thought. The last shoot I had before I left the country was also with Randell, and even then I was trying to achieve some form of cinematic look but never really did. So I was amazed at myself when I could envision more cinematic images in my head. Perhaps it was the location that inspired me or the place itself was already cinematic to begin with.

Looking at the photos, I realised that more than ever, they are open for interpretation. I tend to include some form of humour in my works with Randell, but not everybody catches that humour flying past. So I’ll have to work on that in future.

Just like music, I believe that photos should make a person feel something. While there is nothing wrong with catchy pop music, a poetic piece that gets you thinking about the lyrics that makes you feel a tinge of pain in your heart is always a lot better in my opinion. The same goes for photos. I used to think that bokeh is everything, and neglected everything. Took a lot of thinking, feedback from my teacher (Ivan), and a change of lens to start including more background, more context in my photos. While I still think bokeh looks aesthetically pleasing, having a photo that makes my viewers feel something satisfies me more. Even better if they think up a whole background story for them. That’s what I dream of achieving. Maybe it’s a dream that’s a little far but I’m gonna try and get there. 

"Am I hiding well enough?"

The light was too good to let up

Mum always says don't slouch so shh don't tell her about this

Hey look, it's Shirley! 

The happy girl and her horsey

Discover As You Walk

It is said that traveling changes a person's perspectives. To be able to see new cities, new culture, and new people. While there is nothing bad about being in our home country (trust me, I'm an advocate of the everyday mundane), visiting somewhere new opens our eyes to so much more. After a good travel, you start to view your own country in a different light. You start to notice things you never did before. What once seemed ugly / boring to you before may now look beautiful. You appreciate the little things you took for granted before you flew. 

It provides a new source of inspiration for whatever that you do. Because you experience things that you never would have, it gives you fresh ideas. A night sky filled with thousands of stars that can only be found in the countryside, away from light pollution or a sunset lighting up mountains that you will never see in cities. We are often inspired by the things around us, by our experiences. Thus limiting our inspirations to that small circle. Traveling helps to change things by giving us entirely new environments and experiences to inspire us. 

But of course, it's not always necessary to book a flight to some other country just to travel. It could just be visiting somewhere you've never been to before in your own country. It can still have the same impact on you. You will still discover new things as you walk.