Of Envy and Courage

Thinking about what you want to do in the future can be such a scary thing. It was such a simple thing to think about when we were kids, but as we grow older, reality sits in and decisions become much harder to make. Some of us are blessed with knowing what we want to do at a young age. Others, like myself, find it extremely hard. Torn between different choices, unsure what is the best course of action. I'm sure I talked about it briefly before, but writing helps to collect my thoughts, so here I am again. 

When I was 16, after my O's, I thought long and hard about what I wished to study in poly. And my answer came to be psychology. Throughout the three years of studies, I was so sure that I'd either be a social worker or a psychologist. But as my passion in photography grew, so did my desire to become a photographer. It was a far-fetched dream, and I knew it. I wasn't sure if I should chase that kind of dream. As I started to write to express myself, I fell in love with English. To the point where I got confused again, where did my passion lie. Perhaps I should pursue a degree in English and become a teacher is what I actually considered. Before I knew it, I was almost done serving the nation. The career fair used a few questions to work out what would best suit me, and the answer was to be a journalist. 

To be honest, I'm not sure if that would suit me very well either. All I know about myself is that I don't really like being cooped up in an office. I like a job that's pretty flexible as well. Come to think of it, I should just be my own boss huh. 

But it's not like I don't have a dream job. I do aspire to write for lifestyle magazines such as Kinfolk. Such is a dream that's just a little too far. Too far for hands like mine to reach. 

Truth be told, I'm at a complete loss. 

I envy people who chase their dreams. It takes courage to do that. Unfortunately for me, I lack that kind of courage. 

A Trip Filled with Food

As many of you may not know, (unless you've been watching my Instagram Stories from 7th July to the 10th) I was in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia for a short trip. It was a budget trip truth be told. From the air tickets to the BnB we stayed at, everything was gotten on a budget. Sure, we had a whole lot of delays for our flight there and our BnB was pretty much an hour's journey away from the airport or more. But we can't complain, it was budget. 

I've never really been to Malaysia much, only Johor Bahru earlier this year. So I don't know what to really expect at KL. Plus, we didn't have any itinerary. You're probably going ballistic now as you read this. How can we not have a basic plan right? But that's just how we are. Even for Korea, we only knew how many days we were gonna spend in Seoul and Busan and winged the rest of it. It was the same this time, we winged it. 

We only sightsee-ed once, and it was at this place called Batu Cave. We climbed up a heck load of stairs and were rewarded with some pretty cool views. Was it worth it? I'm not sure. You can take a look at the photos above and below and decide for me.

I was told that this looked cinematic

How bout that, ma boi Jordy looking fine

Just me giving a million dollar smile

They had some real elegant structures, so I gotta get an elegant photo

Ah, sweet ol' Dom

The bulk of our trip though, was visiting different shopping malls and really just eating. That's where most of our money went. All on food and on taking Grab. But it was also food that caused our downfall, though that's a story for another day. Of course I did spend a significant amount of my money on gifts for my parents, so there's that. But I shouldn't be boring you with details like this. It's the food that we want to see, ain't it?

Mango Crepe aka my winning shot for the whole trip

Featuring Dom's hand and food

Like my title already suggests, this trip was all about the food. Of course, I didn't do something as dumb as to take photos of our every meal. I just took the ones that were aesthetically pleasing, or would make great photos.

As every photographer on social media likes to think these days, "bokeh equals pro". I shot at f/2 - f/2.8 for most of these photos on my 35mm, trying to capture as much bokeh as I can. I can't do flat lay, so I do bokeh instead. Besides, I like trying to capture more detail up close too. 

Fun fact: the above photo of the mango crepe was by chance. I didn't even remember myself taking a photo at neutral level like that. I applied my "cafe brown tones" preset on it which is usually meant for natural light and wooden surfaces in a cafe settings. It was tweaked from the Mango Street's Portrait preset, believe it or not. I found the overall tones to be apt for cafe settings so I changed things accordingly so it made the food still look good. But as I was saying, that photo was originally pretty bright but the preset changed the entire bokeh background dark, enhancing the focus on the mango dripping down that ice cream. Ooh, so bokehlicious. 

Pancakes galore

Pretending to cut it

"Is someone boomerang-ing this?!"

This is it, chocolate heaven

Are we dead yet?

No? Good, round 4 here we go

We had some pretty good chocolate filled desserts at Dip & Dip, which was recommended to us by our friends. No regrets is all I have to say. Simply because they were all so good. And that's coming from someone who is picky with his desserts. So if you're in KL, give it a try. I promise you won't regret it. Though we might have to exercise really hard just to burn off all that sugar. 

But if you asked me which meal was the most satisfying one? It's got to be our lunch on the last day. We decided to have Chinese food at a restaurant and shared some dishes. Braised pork, salted egg yolk chicken, a plate of vegetables, dumpling, etc. All of us agreed that they served the best food throughout our trip. Nothing could top that. I wish I had better photos to show for it, but this was the best I could do. I was starving too badly to even hold my camera straight. But not to worry, they are all bokehlicious. 

Also, one more thing about food worth mentioning is that one of our breakfasts was settled by our man Harvest. He'd decided that he wanted to cook for us at least once, and so we let him. And boy are we glad we did, cause he was a really good cook. Note to self to always bring someone who can cook to travel overseas with. In Korea we had Jordan, this time, we let Harvest take charge. Though Jordan still insisted on cooking his own eggs. It was really funny to watch.

The man in action

I would also like to add that we gamed away every night and every opportunity we had. We really are addicts. But that's not the point is it?

Point is we had our fun, tons of it. 

Cheers.

Bonus story for anyone still reading:

And our last meal at the airport? It had four out of five of us waking up to an intense episode of food poisoning. I said that it was meant to be another story but nah, I'd just share it here. We ate at this Kopitiam looking place in the KL airport, and excluding Jordan, the rest of us ordered from the Western stall. It was all good. Then we got home and had ourselves a good sleep. When we woke up? Diarrhoea and puking. It was mad. I ran a fever, had all my energy drained out of my body and could barely move. Even the doctor was shocked at how white my face had become. It truly was an experience and a lesson learnt. Only eat at restaurants when in Malaysia, and not hawkers and Kopitiams. Well we'd be damn.

The Craving

I find myself asking myself this question a lot. For whom do I shoot for? The answer is pretty pathetic, for I shoot for my Instagram feed. Sure, tons of people are shooting for their Instagram. But take Instagram out of the equation and what am I shooting for? There is a void that must be filled, but there is nothing to fill it.

As do most humans these days, I crave for recognition as well. Instagram is one of the simplest ways to satisfy that cravings. It's a sickening revelation, really. But this is how low we've dropped as humans. Let's just move on with life as we acknowledge that. As a result of me chasing that little recognition Instagram has to offer, it has caused me quite the big headache. In fact, it's impaired my life. When you're constantly thinking about what to post, what hashtags to use, what timing to post, and all that, you know you've went ahead and dived into the rabbit hole. I'm not a planner like Shirley is, y'know. She plans nine posts in one go to have it look good. I just post one at a time, keeping it messy. Even that in itself gives me a headache. 

In order to keep that "engagement" going, I make it a point to post everyday. I was I'm Kuala Lumpur recently with some friends, and I found myself posting a photo while we were out doing stuffs. Like really? I had to question myself, what even was I doing? The whole point of the trip was to enjoy myself and let loose, not worry about which photos to post everyday. 

This chase of course led to an addiction to the app. How I constantly open the app every few minutes, or when I have nothing better to do. I open it so many times a day, that it was eating up so much of my data. Especially after I post a photo. I'll open twice as often to check the amount of "likes" I'm getting. In fact, I'm always so close to bursting my data every month because of this damn app. It never used to be like this. I started to wonder, whatever happened to the times when I used less than a GB of data every month.

And then there's Insta Stories. At first, it was just a story every now and then. Now, I find myself storying this and that. It's as serious an addiction as my postings. One friend pointed out to me how much I storied. And just today, I stopped myself from storying as I was telling Shirley a story idea.

I digress. No not really. They are all sub-points of a main point. What's the main point? That Instagram is slowly poisoning my life. I'm not even indulging in my old hobbies like I used to. What happened to reading? To watching dramas? To playing games? Now I'm just stuck on my phone opening and reopening Instagram like some idiot.

And that has got to come to a stop. It's time for me to stop being a slut for recognition, to stop being a slave to this app. It was painful, but I deleted the app (AGAIN). I have no idea how many times I've deleted and re-installed the app, but bear with me. I can barely bear with myself either. The last time I deleted, I wanted to shoot based on inspirations from outside. But I was still trying to shoot for my feed. So this time, what if I didn't want to shoot for my feed. What would I be shooting for? There won't be a place for me to show my photos, and if that's the case, what's the point of my photos? I've asked myself that a lot as I was scrolling through my phone gallery, looking at my KL photos. 

My life crumbled. And that's how the story ends. No not really. But I haven't had it figured out. If not for Instagram, then what purpose do my photos serve? For memories, for keepsake? If that's the case, I can jolly well delete all my portrait shoots. They do not fulfil that. For my portfolio? Perhaps.

I actually envy how most of the Instagrammers out there can just keep shooting, keep creating, without ever actually questioning themselves, the way I do. Is it my psychology background that causes me to do this? Because it's made me so used to questioning things that I've started to question myself so often? I truly have no idea. And I think that's how I've lived my life anyway. Not knowing is sometimes better than knowing.

Now that I've deleted the app, what am I gonna do? I ordered a few Kinfolks, so I guess it's time to do some reading. I'm currently reading "To all the boys I've loved before" and I love it. It's been a really long time since I read a storybook, so it feels refreshing. My 3DS is probably waiting for me to pick it up and play, so I might get to it. Currently watching a Korean drama "Wok of Love" as well, since it's been a year that I've found a drama I like.

Would I be shooting? Yes most definitely. I have to shoot to find my answers. That has always been the case for me. Would I shoot for memories, or for my portfolio? Maybe both, maybe neither. Maybe without Instagram, there is no point in me shooting anymore. We never know now, would we? I do know I won't be contacting any models to shoot. Truth be told, I don't even know what to shoot. I've shot portraits for so long that I don't really know how to shoot other genres. Maybe chase some sunsets haha. It's been a while since I've done that. Well, whatever. 

Would I re-install Instagram? I feel like it's gonna be a yes eventually. But I wanna try and see how long I can stay off the platform. It won't be forever, for I've made many friends on the platform. 

So till next time,

Cheers

What you need

There are just days when you don't feel like getting up. When your body weighs too much. When you're feeling under the weather. And as much as responsibility compels you to get back on your feet and to drag yourself to work, you just can't. You don't even have to check your temperature to know that you're sick. Your entire body is telling you so. It's not what you want, but what you need. It's a sign that our bodies have worked for too hard, and that it is time for a break. 

So go ahead, laze in that bed for a couple more hours to replenish your rest. Stay at home and do nothing but watch your favourite tv shows. Eat a little healthier, and drink lots of water. Most importantly, do not think about work or anything that will stress you out. 

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My second time getting food poisoning in such a short period of time sigh. First time being end of May. And it's one of the worst feelings ever. It's a lot worse this time, because I actually had a fever and I puked real bad. Lost all appetite and was so weak I could barely stand for more than five minutes. I'm not even exaggerating. The doctor was so shocked when he saw me for the consultation because my face was as pale as a sheet. I'm glad I'm feeling better, but I really gotta be more careful when it comes to food from now on. 

Cafe Hopped (no not really)

Located somewhere down the alley of a certain road in Johor Bahru, there lies a cafe called Bev C Cafe. And it's a cafe that's tricky to find because it's hidden on the second floor. I walked around the block so many times, not knowing that it was upstairs. If you were expecting a review, don't. Let me stop you here right now. The pasta I got was filled with chili oil, and I died from the spiciness. I can't even remember the drink I got, perhaps it was a mocha. But it wasn't fantastic, there are much better ones out there. 

I just wanted to take the chance to show you the food photos that I took while I was there. They can be improved, without a doubt. But I'm just a newbie at this, so go easy on me peeps. The photos were actually edited with Mango Street's Cinematic Lifestyle preset, slightly adjusted to suit the photos more. 

I'm not really good at food photography, but it definitely is one genre of photography that I wish to get better at. You see, I've got this dream of taking photos for Kinfolk one day. Or write for them even. Whichever I can get. I'm not there yet, but I'll hone my craft till I finally make it there.