He

He never felt like the main character in his own story, just a side who was never the center in anything. He thought just maybe, things would change when she entered his life. But ideals and reality often never collide. She became the main character in his story, his life, his very all. It wasn’t a bad thing, he’d tell himself. At least now he had a reason to live for. His life came crashing down when she left, “now who’s gonna fill that gap?” But what he didn’t expect, was that he finally became his own main character because of that. He ended up filling his own gap. Even if it’s a main character of a sad love story. But the story doesn’t end there because he started loving himself. He found his own reasons to live, his dreams, and a life he can call his own. 

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Just something very casual I wrote in 10 minutes

A Constant Fight // Reflections

If you've been reading this little blog of mine, you probably know that I usually only write photography related things, updates or just sad words. I don't write or talk much about anything psychology related or mental health issues even though I studied it for poly because I don't feel like I'm fit to. 

If you follow anything K-pop related at all, then you'll know SHINee's Jonghyun recently just passed away after struggling against depression for a long time. I am no fan, and neither do I follow his or their music, but I can sympathise with the fans. It's truly heartbreaking, the more I read on, the sadder I get. While most people believe that suicide is selfish, because you're causing grief to the people around you, we have to think in their shoes too. To some, it's not an end to life but an end to their pain. I don't know his struggles, his dilemmas, but I do respect the decision he came to. It definitely wasn't easy. And I most certainly hope he will be happier in the afterlife, I honestly do. 

It makes me think, makes me reflect a lot. Because this happens a lot more than you and I think. There are people struggling with depression all around us. We just don't notice it. Why? Because their struggles aren't written on their face like physical injuries are. They can be smiling, laughing and having a good time with you and still be depressed. That's how depression works. The negative thoughts, the turmoil, the suicidal thoughts are constantly there as a package. It's a constant fight in them. 

Trust me when I say that most people think lightly of depression. They just think that it's a phase and people will eventually become happier. It's sad to know this if you ask me. We wish for the whole human population to be educated on the mental health but it's honestly just not possible. Let's be real, too many people can't be bothered. So I'll do what I can as a psychology diploma graduate. I'm here to tell you to keep showing that love and concern for those you know are struggling with that fight. Here to tell you to show some care and concern for those around you by dropping in on them every once in a while. You never know how a little gesture can go a long way, how a listening ear can change decisions. I'm here to tell you that what they don't want to hear is "just try and be happy" or "endure it for a little more". It's not that encouragements are useless, but you have to be tactful with it. How are they supposed to try and be happy? Say something a little more useful. Tell them you love them, show them that love and just be there for them.

It made me realise too, how much of a loss I would be in if I was placed in a situation where someone close to me just goes. I honestly wouldn't know what to do, what to feel. The thing about this is that it can happen to anyone. And that's scary.

So for all my family and friends, I want y'all to know that I love all of you. And that y'all can hit me up or call me any time if y'all need somebody to talk to. 

When We Were Twelve

Gone were the days of our simple lives. Where there was nothing to worry about, apart from our teachers confiscating our trading card games. Exam stress? We were carefree nonetheless. Now all we do is worry and stress, it’s like we can never rest. We ran while chasing each other in our little game of tag, oh those were such joys. We’re all chasing girls now, but where’s the fun in that. No more and ice and water, we replaced that with cold wars. We’re no longer running in the rain, only away from our responsibilities. Maybe the ones that made it complicated were ourselves. Maybe simple wasn't what we wanted anymore, but do you think we could go back to how it was when we were twelve. I buy the cards we played, I download the games we played back then. But nothing feels the same. The joy is never what it was, too much has changed. No, we've changed. 

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Just something short I wrote after listening to "Us Against the World" by Epik High.

A Dream That's A Little Far

For the longest time, I have been fascinated by cinematography. It could be in the form of films, music videos, or even photographs. The aesthetics in it is just simply beautiful. And when used in photos, it just tells so much more story than a normal photo. As such, it has in one way or another shaped the way I take my photos. The music that I listen to have inevitably played a part in influencing my artistry as well. 

There was a funfair at Tampines so I took the chance to try shooting there at late afternoon / early evening. I didn’t think that they would only open at 6pm but that worked to our advantage as it was empty. My original plan was to get the crowd at the back but having nobody around gave a sadder, lonelier vibe so we worked with that instead. Randell has been working with me for so long that we can communicate without words, plus the fact that we’re best friends, he’s able to give me the mood I want pretty effortlessly too.

But of course, I’ve been out of it for about a month because I was overseas, so it took me a while to get used to shooting again. Thankfully he trusted me enough to let me make him do all sorts of weird poses. 

The results? A lot better than I thought. The last shoot I had before I left the country was also with Randell, and even then I was trying to achieve some form of cinematic look but never really did. So I was amazed at myself when I could envision more cinematic images in my head. Perhaps it was the location that inspired me or the place itself was already cinematic to begin with.

Looking at the photos, I realised that more than ever, they are open for interpretation. I tend to include some form of humour in my works with Randell, but not everybody catches that humour flying past. So I’ll have to work on that in future.

Just like music, I believe that photos should make a person feel something. While there is nothing wrong with catchy pop music, a poetic piece that gets you thinking about the lyrics that makes you feel a tinge of pain in your heart is always a lot better in my opinion. The same goes for photos. I used to think that bokeh is everything, and neglected everything. Took a lot of thinking, feedback from my teacher (Ivan), and a change of lens to start including more background, more context in my photos. While I still think bokeh looks aesthetically pleasing, having a photo that makes my viewers feel something satisfies me more. Even better if they think up a whole background story for them. That’s what I dream of achieving. Maybe it’s a dream that’s a little far but I’m gonna try and get there. 

"Am I hiding well enough?"

The light was too good to let up

Mum always says don't slouch so shh don't tell her about this

Hey look, it's Shirley! 

The happy girl and her horsey

Discover As You Walk

It is said that traveling changes a person's perspectives. To be able to see new cities, new culture, and new people. While there is nothing bad about being in our home country (trust me, I'm an advocate of the everyday mundane), visiting somewhere new opens our eyes to so much more. After a good travel, you start to view your own country in a different light. You start to notice things you never did before. What once seemed ugly / boring to you before may now look beautiful. You appreciate the little things you took for granted before you flew. 

It provides a new source of inspiration for whatever that you do. Because you experience things that you never would have, it gives you fresh ideas. A night sky filled with thousands of stars that can only be found in the countryside, away from light pollution or a sunset lighting up mountains that you will never see in cities. We are often inspired by the things around us, by our experiences. Thus limiting our inspirations to that small circle. Traveling helps to change things by giving us entirely new environments and experiences to inspire us. 

But of course, it's not always necessary to book a flight to some other country just to travel. It could just be visiting somewhere you've never been to before in your own country. It can still have the same impact on you. You will still discover new things as you walk.