A Bad Day

Everyone has had at least one bad day in their lives. The kind of bad day where nothing seems to go right for that entire day. You oversleep, spill your coffee, trip over nothing, and take all the wrong roads. It's the kind of day that throws your mood into the deepest pits of shit. We feel like the world is against us for that twenty-four hours, and we just get angry at everyone and everything. There's really nothing we can do about it, because whatever we try to do just makes things worse. The only viable thing to do though, is to take a good sleep. That's what we really need on days like these. A sleep to calm ourselves down and to reset everything.

On the other side of the lens

Captured by my sister; Edited by yours truly

They say that a good photographer should be able to model too. That way, the photographer understands what the model is going through when she steps in front of the camera. The photographer who is able to do the poses him/herself is then able to demonstrate for the model in case the model can't grasp what he/she is trying to say. 

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Growing up, I was never really a fan of being in front of the camera. My dad himself was a photography enthusiast too in his younger days. So as a kid, he placed me in front of the camera a lot. I would make funny faces on purpose, and now that I think about it, I really wasted a lot of his film. Sorry dad, I regret it now. I always preferred to hold the camera, as a kid and as an adult. Not much has changed since I was a kid if you ask me.

I've never really been confident of my looks, hence further contributing to me refusing to be in front of the camera. 

That changed when I went for instawalks. My friend/teacher, Ivan, would get me to model for him. You can probably imagine how awkward I was, since I'm rarely in front of the camera. No clue on what to do with my hands, should I smile or not? It was harder than taking photos, that was for sure. 

Captured by my friend, Ivan; Edited by yours truly

Captured by my friend, Ivan; Edited by yours truly

With each shoot that I did afterwards, I began to try doing the poses myself before getting the models to do it. I don't know why either, but it helped me to visualise the shot better. I would face the mirror to practise my own expressions at home. And it helped. It was easier to show models what kind of pose you want as compared to describing it (if you don't have a photo). I don't always save photos of the poses I want my models to do, so showing them myself is much easier.

And as such, I thought of putting myself in front of the lens more often. Don't get me wrong, I have no intentions of becoming a model and abandoning my hobby of holding a camera. Instead, I just wish to be more open to standing in front of this camera I hold so often. I realised I could do some whacky expressions with my face so that's something I'm experimenting with. In fact, I got my sister to take some photos of me when we were at Hawpar Villa just the other day. Sadly, apart from the cover photo of this post, I won't be showing you the other photos from that shoot. Let's just say I look too unglam. 

In order to take more glamorous photos, I decided to bring it indoors and did a self portrait shoot. Switched on the aircon, controlled how much sunlight entered the room, set up my tripod, and snapped away. I was really just fumbling around since I didn't know what to do. I found myself going for something simpler as I went, focusing on the light more. Once I found the perfect spot in the room to shoot at, found the perfect settings I tried taking with different clothes on. I probably looked like a joke doing everything alone, from wardrobe to taking of the photos.

As you can probably see from the photos below, I really like this hat of mine. Other hats just don't do as much justice to me. I used the hat in all my photos because my hair looks horrendous. I have a lot of acne as well, so this shoot was a good opportunity for me to practise healing on Lightroom. 

Casual / Natural enough for you?

Just pretending to smile at some passer by when I'm really just looking at the window

Happened to buy a turtleneck from Uniqlo so here's me being artsy fartsy

Overall, I actually really enjoyed the self portrait shoot but I probably won't do another one any time soon. It's just way too tiring, I'd rather have someone hold the camera instead. 

In case anyone was wondering, I used a 35mm f/1.8 for the self portraits and the Hawpar Villa shoot. It was too tight in the room for a 50mm so the 35mm came in pretty handy. Whereas for Hawpar, I forgot to bring my 50mm out so I had to settle for 35mm. 

Dustyrobe // Of Metaphors, Bananas, and a Personal Project

A Personal Project

Over a year ago, I started a new Instagram account, named "dustyrobe". It was when I was recovering / suffering from a fresh breakup. My old accounts had too much memories, so I left them as they were and started something new. A mark of a new beginning if you might. Now, you're probably wondering what does dustyrobe even mean? It's so out of the blue, so random. Well, I was watching an anime (yu-gi-oh arc-v) at the time when a similar term came up - dusty cloak; the name of one of the cards. I thought about it and decided to put a twist to it, even adding a meaning to the name. Likening myself to a forgotten robe in the closet (because no one uses that) that has been left to collect dust, I thought of myself as someone forgotten. Depressing, I know. But that was my state of mind at that time. Months went by, and even after recovering, I'd grown to like the name. But I digress.

Banana cigar for you?

My very first photo on the account was of a banana, peeled halfway and bitten with the caption - 

"You're probably wondering, why the name and why the banana. Well maybe I'm just trying to be artsy, or maybe it's a metaphor." 

There was no meaning whatsoever when I took that photo. I just felt like it and I thought that it looked aesthetically pleasing. But let me just insert a random metaphor into it, the me then was like the blackened skin of the banana and I wanted to peel it off to start afresh. 

So yes, I started the account with no purpose or direction. Somehow, one thing led to another and I ended up using it for photography purposes. Perhaps the artsy fartsy banana photo was already an indication or a foreshadow even that my account would one day be used to showcase my photos. While mundanefilms which was made 2 years ago was meant to be an outlet for my street photos, dustyrobe on the other hand will showcase all the portraits.

Hopefully the backstory wasn't too boring

Now to the main point after a long grandmother's backstory. As a way of paying tribute to my very first photo on dustyrobe, I thought why not use bananas as a concept for a portrait shoot. I wanted it to be as weird as it could be, with a tinge of humour. I already knew from the start when I thought of the concept that I wanted Randell to be the model. No one else would be so willing to get weird for me after all. I wanted to do it indoors as well for softer light and a cleaner background. There was no better place than my place. White walls and a vintage looking sofa, couldn't have asked for more. Also, it was somewhere where we couldn't get judged by the public.

When I first came up with the concept, I wanted the overall theme to be in love. Where Randell would do retarded things with the banana like a man in love would be. Somehow during the shoot, the mood changed. Maybe it was the sombre music that I was playing. Just like how I felt a year ago, the feelings were conveyed through this set of photos. 

When the heartbreak sets in, you just end up not knowing what you're doing

I hope you see where I'm going with all these. I hope you see the character development. From an aimless photograph of a banana to a planned concept shoot with a banana. It is my metaphor for the account that was once without a purpose but now has a direction. Yes I went one big round to show the metaphor.

This set of photos is my tribute to my first post, me starting anew, me having met a whole lot of amazing friends this year, me celebrating my birthday, and me still finding love. 

Why are you thinking wrong? This is art.

Is this the new way of dancing to Twice's Signal? It might very well be.

And my personal favourite out of the whole set. Thanks for sacrificing your eyes while I manual focused.

Huge thanks to the bestie, Randell for helping out with this weird shoot. Okay fine, there was an additional reason why I specifically wanted Randell to be the model for the shoot. He was the one that helped get me through my toughest times of my life. Not just the period after I broke up but also during the relationship (he helped me reach the decision of breaking up) and also during poly dramas. So yeah, if the shoot was a metaphor for me having found a purpose in life, then him being the model would be showing him as the catalyst for that change. Thanks buddy, for everything. 

And that is the story of how I got my Instagram name, and how this shoot came about. Will probably do more of such shoots along with fashion ones. 

Cheers.

Why Do You Do What You Do?

"Why do you shoot?"

I used to have an answer for this question, but not anymore. I've been trying to find my answer each time I pick up my camera, but to no avail. How is it possible that I'm shooting without a reason, you might ask. Perhaps unconsciously I already have an answer, it's just that it hasn't surfaced to my consciousness. I try to convince myself that I shoot simply because I enjoy it, but I'm no three year old, there's no way I'm convincing myself with such a lousy reason. I could list a bunch of possible reasons, and they might or might not be the answers I'm searching for. 

Until I find my answer, I will continue to pick up my camera and shoot. But once I find my answer, will I then stop shooting? I certainly hope not. 

On the contrary, I have an answer for why I write. I've been writing since I was 15, when I was inspired by my then English teacher (thank you Ms Eunice Lee; if you ever read this, know that I'm forever thankful for you for making me love the language). I started with compositions, preparing for O's, when I found out that it was enjoyable to write. Then I moved on to journal articles during my poly years, never really enjoyed it much but it taught me a lot on writing objectively. Soon after, I discovered Kinfolk. It was around that time I started this blog and tried to write lifestyle related topics. If there was anything in common throughout my years of writing, it's that I always wrote to express myself. It took me five years to realise it, I write to express myself because there's no better way of expressing myself than through my love of words.

And perhaps that is my answer, perhaps I shoot as a secondary form of expressing myself. For when my words are not enough to paint the picture, my photographs will supplement. 

But what about you, why do you do what you do?

A Good Cry

Ever cried till your eyes ran out of tears? Till you feel your insides are wrecked and you're just there, gasping for air?

At some point in our lives, we're bound to experience that. Locking ourselves in our room or in the shower, maybe a public toilet cubicle crying our very hearts out. To be away from everyone else as we are crying, because that's probably our lowest point in life. It might be from a heartbreak, or from losing your beloved pet. Could be anything really. But I'm sure most of you out there know what I'm talking about.

And it's fine. Fine to cry as much as you wish, to scream and resent the world. She's the stupid one for leaving you. His eyes are probably on his butt to not appreciate you. Life is being biased against you. You're entitled to it. It doesn't matter what your gender is, there should be no right or wrong when you're grieving. Ignore those who say "just get over it", we both know it's not easy at all. It's not easy to stay strong. Be vulnerable, and let those tears fall. For you'll feel better after the tears dry up. I can assure you that.

Sometimes all we need is a good cry alone. No need for shoulders to lean on, no need for words of comfort. Just the comfort of our own privacy and our knees to cry on. 

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Long overdue writing that I should have written two years back, around this period of the year, when my eyes ran out of tears. When I should have ended things and not let it drag on. 

Experimenting with this and that

Haven't been the most avid writer recently, I know, considering the last post was two months back already. So thought I'd write some updates.

It's always been a dream of mine to shoot portraits for people, but being the true blue introvert that I am, that has never been easy. The closest I came to was shooting a few friends. But recently, after having gotten to know a bunch of amazing people through Instagram, I've had the opportunity to shoot portraits for a lot of people. Well okay, not a lot, but much more than I ever would have alone. And I'm just honestly really happy and excited. Through all these, I've learnt a lot more in the past two months than I ever have since I started shooting. Which is kinda crazy if you ask me.

In just two months, I've been floating around different styles of portraiture, experimenting with a little of this and that. And I realise how inadequate I am, how there is so much more to be learnt.

But I've found a "style" or so to speak that I wish to pursue, which is to go full "weird" (so I apologise in advance to all those that will have shoots with me in future). Discovered a lot of inspirations, such as @uuanjie and Rachel Gulotta, really different styles in general but yet so similar. If you know what their photos are like, you know which direction I'm headed. Attended some workshops here and there, talked to some photographers too. Received some of the best advice one could receive. 

These photos are slightly more on the fashion side as I was dabbling with that. Ah yes, my editing game has ever so lightly increased as I've moved from VSCO on my phone to Lightroom mobile to Lightroom desktop. Don't see anything wrong with using VSCO film so I'm using that, and playing with tones in general too. It ain't perfect, but I'm getting there (hopefully).

I'm trying my hand on writing poetry too these days for my captions on Instagram. After having been inspired so much by Lang Leav, it's only right to write as a tribute back to her. But my writing is heavily influenced by Lorde's lyrics and my own personal experiences. They're mostly sad, and on heartbreaks (just like everyone else's). But that does not mean that I'm sad. In fact, I'm at a really happy place in life now, doing what I love and enjoy. Sure, still single, but I'm getting there. Probably will continue to write sad things until I fall in love again. (Sigh why is it so hard to find a girl? If you know any suitable girls in my age range, please do let this single boy know because you know, he's not getting any younger)

Do forgive me if you think my writing is bad, I'm not the most expressive person there is. I just try to put my feelings into words, to pen down what I've been through in life. When I say writing, I don't just refer to my captions on Insta, but also my writings here on this blog. Because every now and then, I write something that's not so much reflections but more of an article-ish kind of writing. I have received feedback from a few friends that I have a distinct style of writing and that it's overall good, so just let me bask in happiness and pride for a while here.

I'm working on a personal project as well, so I'm hoping that turns out well. Oh you might have noticed something different too, mundanefilms has since been renamed as dustyrobe. Why you ask? To be more consistent with my Instagram, and also because I've grown to really like the name "dustyrobe".