In an attempt to get myself out of my photography slump, I decided to take the intro to digital photography elective in my uni. I wanted to relearn my basics and just be forced to take photos again. But what I never expected, was being forced to learn something much deeper about photography.
After I'd submitted my first draft(?) for my street photography assignment, I had a consultation session with my prof. She told me straight up that it was okay but not great, and I knew she was right. She pulled out my previous submissions and told me, and I quote:
"Sean, you have a talent for bringing out emotions, like in this portrait you submitted. And look at your still life, your composition is amazing. But when it comes to street, I'm not feeling it. You haven't brought out the emotions. And as I look at your work, let me recommend you a photographer... A Singaporean street photographer, Nguan, pastel tones and dreamy Singapore. I feel you will learn a lot from his work."
Nguan, has been my inspiration for the past 7 years. His work, "How Loneliness Goes", the reason why I picked up photography seriously. His work stirred up my heart when I was at the Art Science Museum years ago, looking at his exhibition. And after my prof said that to me, I realised, I never learned anything from Nguan beyond surface aesthetics. I started asking myself questions after questions the entire week. I took out the physical copy of "How Loneliness Goes" and stared at it from day to night.
Why did Nguan shoot what he did? What was the purpose of his works? Why these subjects? What feelings did the subjects convey? No, what did he convey to us?
I don't know how long I was lost in his works for. But no answers came to me. So I did the most logical thing, I went out to shoot at 8am in the morning. And as I made my way around Tanjong Pagar, I found all the answers I'd been searching for as I stared at benches with tape on them to mark out social distancing measures.
A photographer's work is not a reflection of their subjects, but a reflection of themselves. Nguan did not wait for interesting subjects, he actively sought out a certain emotion in his photos - loneliness and yearning. But I was so focused on the subjects in his photos that I failed to see that the emotions weren't just coming from the subjects. Nguan's feelings of loneliness were laid out on every photograph he took in Singapore, and I was blind to it the whole time. His photos had the impact it did because the series was a reflection of him.
Street photography wasn't about the decisive moment, it wasn't just walking around the streets looking for something interesting, it wasn't just aesthetics. There is no meaning to photos taken like this.
So as I stared at the benches, I realised I needed to pour my emotions out as well. As much of an introvert I am, I still am human, I still am a creature that requires social interactions. Covid has deprived us (no, me) of social interactions with circuit breaker and the fluctuating laws. And I (no, we) have been finding ways to get around all of these. From Zoom calls to meeting up as smaller groups to taking away food to eat at home. While the tape showed the Covid restrictions, the benches with broken tape showed the rebellion of Singaporeans for me. As social creatures, Covid has taken a toll on all of us, and in order to satisfy this need for social interactions, we rebel against the very laws (gathering in groups more than 2 or 5 or 8, dining in parks, the illegal KTV clusters, and so on), shown as a metaphor through the broken tapes.
This realisation extends beyond street photography. The reason I've been thinking I can do better, that something is lacking in my portraits, is because what was lacking was my emotions. I'd been shooting portraits the wrong way this whole time. I tell my subjects to give me certain emotions, but I never poured my own out. I'm not sure if I would ever do a whole lot of portraits that are personal to me, but I did do one for this class. The entire concept was based on my own heartache, and for once, I felt satisfied with the photos if they weren't the most technically perfect ones.
I don't personally think I will take a lot more photos after this, simply due to the lack of time thanks to uni. But, I've definitely broken out of the slump I'd been in. It was honestly enlightenment. Moving forward, I hope to create much more personal photos, the way Nguan did. For now, I hope you enjoy these photos.
